


Map of His Soul | Kim Namjoon (RM) x OC

by 4evrrain



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alcohol, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Interracial Relationship, Love, Mental Health Issues, Oral Sex, Original Character(s), Romance, Sex, Sexual Content, Smut, interra
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:55:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 36,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27947138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4evrrain/pseuds/4evrrain
Summary: NOT A Y/N STORY. A bit of a whirlwind romance, plenty of fluff and some sexual content.Mostly, its just boring and slightly complicated love story. Light mentions of mental illness, language.enjoy~
Relationships: Kim Namjoon | RM/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 25
Kudos: 36





	1. The Email

__

_"be enough for yourself first.  
_ _the rest of the world can wait."_

_\- fw_

01\. The Email

* * *

I did it. I did it. I finally did it. After a year of developing this "side hustle" of mine, it paid off. I actually got a gig.

To be honest with you, I was still a bit shocked as I sat there in front of my laptop—looking like an absolute gremlin. I thought the email I got had to be some kind of sick joke, but it wasn't. The year long headache I'd had was starting to subside. No more flailing in the winds of uncertainty. No more bartending, no more conversations with my mom that seem to repeat themselves every week.

_"WhEn aRe yoU gOnNa geT a reAL joB? I toLd yOu aRt wasN't a StAbLe caReeR."_

I was actually about to do something that pays the bills—really pays the bills.

I breathed a sigh of relief. I was issued a lengthy contract and an NDA (Non-Disclosure Agreement). Which is only fair. I don't know who I'll be styling, but I'm no stranger to those. Celebrities and their management definitely aren't fans of you flapping your fucking gums to the first news source who will listen. You will get sued with the quickness. I was practically jumping up and down from excitement, bouncing on the balls of my feet as I continued scrolling through the email and browsing the links throughout it. Every page was signed with this bold logo and a name that I didn't recognize: BigHit.

I decided to look at the source of the email—to be honest, I applied for so many jobs in the last few months, that I truly didn't know which one I'd just landed.

"bhtour.mgmt@ibighit.com...?" I read aloud

What is BigHit? Exactly who's tour am I assisting with?

I continued reading, eagerly anticipating the moment my eyes would land on the answer to my question. I finally came across a banner that had this collage of gorgeous baby-pink roses as a backsplash. Over that image, in bold white text were the words:

"BTS World Tour: Love Yourself, Speak Yourself..." I read aloud "Oh, shit..."

I didn't particularly care which job I got out of the ones I applied to, as long as I got something. I just wasn't expecting to book such a major tour this soon. BTS had been making huge waves in the industry for a few years. I had a couple of their songs in my Spotify library myself, but I didn't really know that much about them. I wasn't even sure how many members there were... But before I dove head first into manic google searches for the next 6 hours—I kept rereading the email in disbelief.

> " _Congratulations, Ivy._
> 
> _After carefully reviewing your application, portfolio, and completing your virtual interview—we were very impressed with your work, personality, as well as your fluency in both the Korean and English languages. We think you would be a perfect addition to our highly skilled staff. It is with great pleasure that we are inviting you onboard for the position of Stylist II._
> 
> _This position will start with a summer tour for top Big Hit Entertainment group: BTS (Bangtan Sonyeondan/Bangtan Boys). The tour will consist of 20 shows. It will commence May 4th in Los Angeles, California, and will close out on October 29th in Seoul, South Korea. We are very excited to have you embark on this journey with us! BigHit is aware that this is short notice, and we do apologize. We are offering you incentive pay as a consolation. We are in need of more staff members to help with the magnitude of this project._
> 
> _Please keep your eyes out for a follow up email with further details._
> 
> _Thank you!_
> 
> _Sincerely, Jennifer Yoon, Talent Acquisition, BigHit Entertainment_ "

I flopped down onto my bed and screamed into my pillow excitedly—prompting a loud thud to come from below me. My downstairs neighbor knocked the ceiling with her broom. Again. I swear to god, its like she sits down there and waits for me to do something so she has an excuse to do that.

I proceeded to sit there for the next hour, refreshing my email over and over, anxiously waiting for the follow up email that this Jennifer person had mentioned. The spinning wheel on my Macbook felt like it was beginning to mock my existence. So, you can imagine that my heart just about jumped into my throat when another email finally appeared at the top of the thread. Inside it were all of the details about the tour, the theme, color schemes I'd need for sketches, flight and hotel info—they didn't miss a beat.

Also, since I'll be styling, they sent me along the heights and measurements of each member. I wasted no time starting to sketch ideas on my iPad. I also did some research of my own on each of the guys. I wanted to know more about their personal styles, that way I could come up with things tailored to their likes.

I learned the following information:

  * There are 7 of them. Jin, Suga, J-Hope, Jimin, V, RM and Jungkook.
  * They're all around my age—20somethings—which is a plus.
  * They vary in height and build.
  * The tallest is RM. He's nearly 6 feet tall.
  * Shortest is Jimin.



Well, I've definitely got my work cut out for me. 7 people? I've never had to style that many at once. I've also never been on tour. I also have to fly all the way to LA for the first show. Alone. I've never had to fly that far by myself. I hate flying—it freaks me out.

_Holy shit. I need to breathe._

Only I'd get a job opportunity this amazing and proceed to throw myself headfirst into a panic attack. I have a whole month to prepare myself for this. I'm sure everything will be fine. 

* * *

Update: Everything is NOT fine and I'm probably gonna die.

The month flew by. It was like I blinked and it was over. I was fully packed, prepared with all of my supplies, and ready to board my flight to Los Angeles—which I was unbelievably nervous about. Like I said, flying is NOT my bag. At least BigHit is flying me out first-class... maybe a couple of glasses of champagne will ease my mind on this long ass flight. It'll be 7 agonizing hours. The last time I was on a plane was when I came to the U.S. from Korea with my mother. I was 7 and I cried the whole time. I have a feeling that not much is gonna change this time around.

_Yes, I'm aware that I'm being dramatic._

First-class was stunning to say the least. Smooth, cream-colored leather seats with royal blue trim lined the spacious aisles. The ceiling was a mural of white and pale blue marble, lit by a soft golden under glow. 

_You know, this is very misleading, considering this hunk of metal could come plummeting towards the earth if even ONE thing goes wrong._

I put my airpods in and tried to relax. I tapped through Spotify for something to listen to. I had been trying to listen to more of BTS' music in the month since I got this job. I familiarized myself with their journey and their message... and I have to say, I was really a fan of what they were trying to achieve. It didn't take much.

I gravitated towards a newer song of theirs that had become my favorite: Make it Right. I quietly hummed the melody to myself, juuust before downing a glass of that top-shelf first class champagne I had mentioned. I still wasn't looking forward to the flight, but as long as I focus on what I'm getting to do, it'll all be worth it... right?


	2. Say My Name, Say My Name

__

_what matters most_   
_is how you walk_   
_through the fire."_

  
_\- cb_

* * *

LAX is hectic to say the least. I meandered my way through a sea of people to get to baggage claim. I checked, checked and triple checked to make sure I had everything with me before heading outside.

"Ah, shit." I muttered

_What kind of car am I supposed to be looking for again?_

I glanced down at my phone, scrolling through my emails until I found the thread between me and the hiring manager.

_A silver Lexus SUV..._

I spotted it after a few seconds, and as soon as I did—I locked eyes with a woman who was standing outside of it. She was short like me. She had dark, silky hair that was pulled back into a tight bun. She wore a navy blue dress and matching pumps. Her eyes went wide and she abruptly started waving her arms around in the air when she saw me.

"Ivy?? IVY!!!" She shouted "Its me!"

_Is that...?_

I awkwardly waved back and started walking towards her. As I got closer, (and after I lifted my sunglasses up) I recognized her from the picture in the footer of all the emails she's sent me.

_Jennifer Yoon._

"Ivy Chae?" She asked 

I took a deep breath.

 _No turning back now..._ _From here on out, everything changes._  
 _Embrace it._

"Yeah—you must be Jen...right?" I asked

"Yep, in the flesh. Welcome to LA and to the BigHit team!"

We shook hands.

"Thank you so much! I'm really happy to be—"

"No time to chat! We have a big day ahead of us." She interrupted "And an even bigger week. There's a lot to do and not a minute to waste."

She suddenly slapped her hand against the back window of the car, causing me to jump slightly. The trunk popped open and a large man dressed in a sharp black suit emerged from inside. He hurriedly started gathering my luggage and putting it into the car.

"Wha-? Sir, I can put that—"

He grabbed up the last of my bags, turned to me and bowed before getting back inside.

"Lets go!" Jen urged "You'll get used to that."

_Will I??_

* * *

As soon as I got into the car, Jen bombarded me with information, most of which I had trouble absorbing. At this point, I was almost more excited than nervous. Everything was starting to hit me—this is really happening.

She took some time to look over the sketches I'd prepared on my iPad, making notes here and there.

"So, there are 2 other stylists you'll be working with on tour." She explained "You'll meet up with them and the boys to come up with a overall themes, individual looks, color schemes, and whatnot."

"I'm so glad we get to actually talk to them about our ideas. I can't stand having no input from my clients. I like for it to be a team effort, you know?"

"Thats one of the reasons we hired you! You definitely won't have to worry about that with them." She laughed "The boys are _very_ involved, they prefer to be actually. Now, as you know, there are 7 members. Your lead stylist will be responsible for 3 of the boys' looks. You and the other stylist will be responsible for 2 boys each. The two you're assigned to today are the two you'll remain with throughout the tour."

My brain lowkey was not prepared to be pummeled for the next 5 months by having to style 7 k-pop princes. Finding out that I only had to worry about two of them was huge relief.

"Would you happen to know which two I have?" I asked, trying not to sound too eager "Or will I find that out at this meeting?"

"You'll find out officially at the meeting. I did see the pairs earlier. I'm drawing a blank on the second one—but I know for a fact that one of yours is Taehyung."

_YES!_

I tried my best to have no outward reaction to that, but I was really happy to be assigned to Taehyung. I love his style and I think we could come up with some badass looks together... However, knowing that I got him made me extremely curious as to who the second member was.

_Honestly, its still a complete fluke that I even got a gig like this. So whoever it is, I'll be over the fucking moon about it._

* * *

When we arrived at the hotel, we sped through the lobby, making a beeline for the elevators.

"Alright, so: The meeting is on the top floor in the penthouse conference room." Jen said "We'll head up now, and after that day is yours to settle in and get whatever you need to get done—until dinner."

I nodded and took a few deep breaths. I was still listening to her but... I could feel my anxiety creeping in and causing me to dissociate a bit. Her voice was becoming background noise to the increasingly loud thumping in my ears.

_I need to snap out of it and get focused._   
_I can panic after the meeting._

"You okay, Ivy?" She asked

"Huh? Oh! Yeah, I'm good. I'm just organizing my thoughts."

"Don't be nervous. I promise that once you meet everyone—it won't seem so intimidating anymore. Trust me."

_Easy for her to say..._

The agonizing anticipation only mounted as the elevator ascended. I couldn't take my eyes off of the screen on the wall, counting to myself every floor that we climbed. We finally came to a halt. The elevator doors slid open, revealing the conference room. I looked around in awe—probably appearing all wide-eyed and starstruck as hell. This wasn't _anything_ like the cramped, dingy conference rooms I'd been in for meetings in the past.

_You know, the ones with mismatched desk chairs, coffee stains and bad lighting?_

The walls were all windows stretching from floor to ceiling with a view all the way to the Hollywood Hills. The sun beamed in and bounced off of the room's opulent marble flooring. I turned my attention to the sprawling conference table that sat in the middle of the crowded room, at the head of which, sat 7 young men. 

_BTS.  
Fuck... how are they all so insanely pretty?_

Jen nudged me.

"Go find a seat, and we'll get started." She said quietly "Good afternoon everyone."

The room suddenly fell dead silent, all the mindless chatter that had just filled the air seemed to cease at once. I don't blame them, Jen's energy can be a bit intimidating. The guys and all the rest of the staff turned towards us at once. I panicked and frantically scurried off to the side as Jen headed towards the front of the room.

"I hope everyone has had a good day so far..." She continued

I couldn't stop looking around, studying everyone. They must all be apart of the tour staff too.

_I wonder if everyone here is new or if its just me?_

I got so caught up that I almost missed my introduction. The one I didn't know I was getting.

"And, I'd like to introduce you all to our newest Stylist: Ivy Chae." Jen said, gesturing towards me "She'll be working with V and RM."

"Heh... Hello." I said, awkwardly 

_Wait, did she just say RM...?_

She announced it so casually that I almost missed it. So _he's_ my second client.

"Go ahead and tell us a few things about yourself. " 

"Well... As Mrs. Yoon said, my name is Ivy Chae. I'm 24. I'm an artist and stylist from New York City. I speak Korean fluently, so feel free to talk to me in whichever language you feel most comfortable. I'm really excited to be here and to work with everyone."

My eyes continued to scan the crowd as everyone broke into light applause once more... but my eyes met with someones—RM's. He smiled at me, but I was so busy trying to process everything that I don't even know if I smiled back at him.

_If I could kick myself, I would._   
_Especially now that I know we're working together._

Jen debriefed us all on what would be happening over the next several days. I made notes about everything in my iPad. Afterwards, the stylists were free to meet up with each other and our respective clients. As I was getting all my stuff together, and preparing to go personally introduce myself to RM and V, a smooth, deep voice spoke up from behind me.

"Ivy, right?"

God, that voice... it stopped me dead in my tracks.

"Ivy?" He repeated

I turned around, and I was suddenly face to face—well, face to chest—with someone who absolutely towered over me. I slowly looked up... it was RM. He is quite a wall of a man. To my surprise, he was sporting something close to his natural hair color, a stark contrast to pictures of him I saw online. 

"Yeah, hi." I said with a smile "RM?"

He smiled back at me and a set of deep dimples appeared on his cheeks.

_He's somehow more handsome in person than in his pictures._

He nodded and put his hand out for me to shake. Mine dwarfed in size compared to his.

"You can call me Namjoon if you want. I wanted to come introduce myself, and this is—"

He turned to his left, I'm assuming because he thought V would be there... but he definitely wasn't.


	3. Get On My Elevator

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unexpected situation~

_i know my worth._

_i've paid dearly_

_for every ounce of it."_

_\- alfa_

* * *

"Taehyung...?" Namjoon turned around, trying to pinpoint where V might be in the crowd.

"Heh... I'm sorry about this." He apologized with a sheepish smile "Taehyung!"

I tried to stifle my laughter and be professional, but this was too funny. I was starting to understand what Jen meant by them not being very intimidating.

"Its okay!" I reassured him "I'm not in a hurry."

He threw his arms in the air and started waving them. That was when I noticed Taehyung jog over to us.

"Sorry, sorry!" He apologized when he arrived "I didn't see which way you went, Namjoon-ah."

Namjoon shook his head.

"Aigoo... this is Ivy." He said "Our stylist."

"Nice to meet you!" V said with a big, boxy grin. He politely shook my hand "Sorry to keep you waiting, I wasn't trying to be rude."

_They're super polite. Its adorable._

"Nice to meet you too. Its really okay, no need to apologize. Uh—I know you guys probably have a million things going on, but do you mind if I show you a couple looks just to get your feedback...? It'll only take a minute, I promise."

"Of course!" Namjoon said "We've got time. You're the pro, so I'm sure we'll love whatever you put together."

"I'm not all that, trust me." I laughed "Its just a couple of sketches... here. Take a look."

I handed my ipad over to them. They scrolled through my sketches for a few seconds.

"These are dope." Namjoon remarked

Taehyung continued the conversation in Korean, I could tell that all the english was stressing him out.

"Can I switch one thing?" He asked

"Sure, go for it." I replied

"I'm gonna switch the shoes out for this first outfit to the Gucci loafers."

"You know, I had a feeling you'd like those more, but I didn't go with my gut for some reason." I admitted

"Trust yourself next time! Everything else is perfect." V reassured me

"I love this look right here..." Namjoon said, pointing to one particular sketch I did for him "Can we add a hat?"

"A bucket hat?" I asked

Another honey-sweet smile crept onto his handsome face, inviting his dimples back. It startled me a little—almost making my heart skip a beat.

_What the hell...?_

"How'd you know?" He asked

"I'm your stylist, I have to know these things." I replied with a smile "So! Tomorrow, I'm gonna go out and get most of the pieces for these looks. Its a lot of Gucci and couple of things from Nike, Louis, Supreme... Some items the other stylists and I will get together and order, but I've got both of your sizes in everything, so—"

"Do you mind if I tag along with you tomorrow?" Namjoon asked

His question caught me way the fuck off guard. Is he even allowed to do that? I mean, I know he's grown, but he's RM.

_Why does he even want to?_

"What? Why?" I asked, unable to hide my confusion "I mean—if you want to, sure. Thats cool with me."

Taehyung was eyeing Namjoon with a raised eyebrow—as was I at this point. No client I've ever had has asked to actually come shopping with me.

"Tae, do you wanna come too?" He asked

He squinted apprehensively.

"Depends, what time?"

"I was gonna go pretty early." I said "Maybe like 9–"

"Oof, way too early for me. No thanks!" He declined "I'm gonna to take full advantage of sleeping in tomorrow. I can meet up with you guys afterwards though."

"Fine by me. We can do a little fitting. Basically, I'll have you try stuff on to see if everything fits right, how we'll style it, or if any adjustments need to be made." I explained "We'll shoot for around noon...?"

"Perfect." V said "Our rehearsal isn't until late in the day tomorrow."

"Great! So, do you guys have any questions for me? Suggestions? Concerns?"

They glanced at each other and then back at me.

"Nope." They said in unison

“You explained everything perfectly.” Namjoon added

V squinted at him again. 

"Thanks. Uh... I'll work on some more stuff tonight for you to look at. Again, it was so nice meeting you both. I think we're gonna come up with some really cool looks for the tour."

**Namjoon's Point of View**

I've gotta admit, I was a little nervous walking up to her. I don't know why. I was completely hooked while I was listening to her introduce herself.

_I want to know more about her..._

Ivy was short and petite. She had big, dark, curly hair. It fell in ringlets that framed her pretty face. Her eyes were a beautiful, dark amber color. Even her outfit was dope... casual but with really cool details. I could see why she became a stylist.

I can’t explain it. I just really liked her vibe. I know this isn't making sense, we spoke for 3 seconds and I don't wanna come off like a creep... aigoo. That's probably exactly what I'm doing.

I watched as she put her things into a black leather backpack. She said goodbye to us one more time before she threw the bag over her shoulder and started heading back towards the elevators.

V hit me in the arm, quickly snapping me out of my daze.

"Aya!" I yelped "What was that for?!"

"What was _that_?"

"What was what?" I asked, playing dumb

"Do you really think I didn't notice?!" He chuckled

"Museun soriya?"

( _What are you talking about_?)

"CaN I tAg aLonG?" He mocked

"Shut up!" I laughed "Can't I just want to be involved with the process?"

"Yeah, I bet you do wanna be involved..." He snickered "I don't blame you, she's really cute."

_She is..._

"I still don't know what you're talking about. We can't fraternize with the staff anyways." I said, with a quick shrug "Company rules."

 _I know thats a damn lie._ _We've never listened to that._

"Like thats ever stopped us before! Aigooo... Typical Rapmon-hyung—so private."

I shrugged.

He's not wrong. The guys are my family, we talk about everything... and I'm not saying that lightly, I really mean everything—stuff you don't even wanna know about. Trust me. I just prefer not to bring up certain things about girls unless I know for sure that I'm into them.

They tease me about being shy all the time—like Taehyung just was, but I don't take it personally.

_I don’t know if its shyness exactly... maybe I'm just weird._

Exhaustion hit me like a freight train. I yawned and stretched my arms. I was so jet lagged. Because we actually have a few hours of free time today, I was honestly gonna use it to take a nap.

"I'm gonna go knock out, you heading up?" I asked

"In a little bit."

"Alright. I'll catch up with you later."

**Ivy's Point of View**

Everyone was piling into the elevators at once, so I stood off to the side and waited for them all to go down, opting to catch a later one. I zoned out staring at my phone and before I knew it, I was the last one there.

"Is it cool if I ride with you?" A familiar deep voice asked

Namjoon. Again.

I tried to hide the smile that was making its way to my lips without my consent. It didn’t work at all.

"Sure." I replied

"After you." He bowed as the elevator doors slid open.

"Thanks." I laughed "You're very polite."

"Did you think I wouldn't be?"

"I didn't say that! ...And so what if I _did_ think you wouldn't be?" I joked

He furrowed his eyebrows.

"Wait, did you really?" He asked

_Is he actually concerned with how I see him...?_

"I'm kidding." I laughed

"Are you sure? Because I—"

Before he could finish his sentence, a loud metallic clang echoed through the elevator. We exchanged worried glances, but nothing more happened for a few moments... until something shook the the space violently. Whatever it was almost knocked us completely to the ground.

"What the hell was that...? He asked as the ceiling lights began to flicker.

Lastly, as if things couldn't get any fucking worse, the elevator stopped moving entirely.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me..." I said in disbelief

I felt my chest begin to tighten as panic set in. I'm really not trying to make an ass out of myself in front of a client, but I'm actually about to freak out.

_Seriously, what are the odds of this happening?_

Namjoon hit the panic button, prompting an intercom to come crackling to life a few moments later.

"Hello? Hello? Are you okay?" A female voice asked over the speaker

"Yes, we're alright. The elevator stopped... I think we're stuck." Namjoon explained, not even tinge of worry threatened his voice.

_How is heso calm about this...?_

"Okay. How many people are in the elevator?" She asked urgently

"Two." He replied

"Okay, we apologize about this—we're getting emergency maintenance out here ASAP. Hang tight."

"Thank you." Namjoon said before turning his attention to me. "Ivy...? You okay??"

I could hear him and I wanted to reply, but I couldn't. I was starting to have trouble breathing. My chest had gotten so tight, it felt like my ribs would crack under the pressure.

"Not really..." I revealed, unable to put on a facade.

I leaned against the wall and allowed myself to slide down to the floor. To my surprise, he followed and sat down across from me, keeping himself close.

"Look at me." He said calmly "I'm serious, what's going on?"

I did as he said, and our eyes met again. His strong hands protectively wrapped themselves around my forearms.

_Why is he...?_

"I'm so sorry. I-I don't want to seem unprofessional... but I—it’s just anxiety. I don't do well with stuff like this." I divulged nervously

"Okay. I understand... Is it alright if I try to help you calm you down? What do you need?"

That question fucked me up a little. No one had ever asked me that when I was feeling like this.

_Just what does this kid want from me?_

Or does my traumatized ass just not know how to accept kindness? He just seems so genuine...


	4. Elevator Malfunctions Make For Good Conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stuck in the elevator~

__

_"I lost my way_

_all the way to you._

_and in you,_

_I found_

_all the way back_

_to me."_

_\- atticus_

* * *

"I-I don't really know..." I admitted

"Well, I'm gonna try anyways. Everything will be alright. Naleul bwa. Breathe. In..."

( _Look at me._ )

We both took a deep breath in.

"And out..." He said "You're okay. I'm here with you."

I nodded.

"Okay..."

"Oh! Do you want me to distract you?!"

His face lit up, and his eyes went wide with excitement. The boyish way he got so hyped up about distracting me was almost cute enough to make me forget about our predicament.

"Jebal." I begged

( _Please_.)

"Okay! Um... at the meeting I heard you say you're an artist. What kind of art do you do?"

_He was actually listening?_

"Mixed media... I take ordinary objects and paint on them, bend them, cut them up—all kinds of stuff. Thats pretty recently though, mostly I paint.”

He was listening so intently, nodding along with my words. I was becoming both mesmerized and puzzled by him. I knew he was only talking to me to help me chill out, but he was making me feel as if he was actually interested.

"Ah! I’m truly jealous. I’ve always wanted to be able to paint. I like to think of myself as an art collector... You should show me your work sometime, it sounds really cool."

I tilted my head curiously, still very skeptical of the man in front of me.

"Do you mean that?" I asked

"You know, I'm starting to think you thought I was gonna be an asshole."

 _Ugh_.

"Sorry... I guess I haven't had the most positive experiences with my celebrity clients before... I'm a little hesitant—but I didn't mean to make you feel bad."

"Tch. How could you judge me before you even met me?" He scoffed

_Ah shit, I didn't mean to make him mad._

"M-Mianhamnida! I—"

( _I'm sorry!_ )

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Aigoo, I'm so sorry." He apologized between laughs

His laugh itself was so goofy.Think: "sksksk".

_I wanted to be salty, but with a laugh like that, how could I?_

"NAMJOON!" I whined

"HA! Now we're even from earlier." He stated proudly

"Don't scare me like that!"

"Mianhaeyooo. Forgive me? Pleaaase?"

( _I'm sorryyy_ )

He curled his lip into the most pitiful pout.

"I'll guess I'll think about it." I joked

I glanced down at the time on my phone.

"How long do you think we'll be stuck in here...?" I asked

"Don't know, don't care! Not letting you think about that. You're in RM's world right now." He held up his hands and waved his fingers around like he was performing some sort of magic trick.

I didn't think it was possible for a human being to be this endearing... or this goofy.

"Oh, really?" I chuckled "...Can I ask you something?"

"Anything you want."

He stretched his long legs all the way out, and placed the soles of his shoes against mine.

"Did you ever see yourself becoming a k-pop prince?" I asked

"Prince?! I’m no prince. And definitely not. When I was younger I always thought I'd become a poet or a writer."

"Well, in a way you did both of those things. In my opinion, at least."

"I like to think of it that way too. Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am that I get to tell the world how I'm feeling, to have people be able to relate to it..."

His voice trailed off and he got this far away look in his eyes. I felt like there was more that he wanted to say, but I didn't want to press him about it.

I found myself wondering what goes on in his mind.

I hadn't given much thought to the state we were in, I was too caught up in being stuck in this damn elevator. But, I did have a moment of clarity where I realized how quickly I felt comfortable being around him. Talking to him like this felt effortless. His presence was so soothing that it felt like a drug.

"Your korean is really natural, by the way." He remarked

"Gamsahamnida. I try." I laughed

( _Thank you._ )

"Aniya. How are you so fluent, if you don't mind me asking...?"

( _You're welcome_ )

"Well, I'm half—my mom is korean and my dad is black.” I explained “My mom always made a it seem like such a big deal that I needed to speak Korean. I didn't get it when I was younger. Now that I'm older, I'm sooo grateful I learned. But if I don’t speak it for, like, a month, I get so rusty.”

"I get that! That’s exactly how I feel about english. Isn't that one of the most frustrating things about getting older?" He asked "Realizing that your parents were right about certain things all along?"

"God, yes." I said "When you're young, you just don't consider a lot of things."

"Because you don't have to."

"Exactly." I agreed "Ugh... What would our parents think if they heard us say that?"

"Aigoo. I can practically hear my mom now. Lets never talk about this again." He chuckled

"Deal."

He began to rhythmically tap the soles of his shoes against mine. He hummed a melody that I recognized.

"Persona...?" I asked

His eyes went wide once more and, adorably, he hid his face in his hands.

"Are you trying to make me blush??" He asked

"Maybe." I admitted, shocking myself again.

I need to relax—I really shouldn't be flirting with him. He's a client. Even if he's doing it back, it shouldn't matter.

 _Well, technically I'm not working right now.._.

"You like Persona?" He asked

"I do. Its always cool to me whenever you get to hear a member of a group by themselves, and you're really talented. So, thats a plus."

"...That means a lot to me, you know? Thank you, Ivy."

"W-Whatever. You're welcome." I muttered

"Oh, now _you're_ acting shy?" He teased

I felt my neck growing hot with embarrassment. I looked away from him.

"No—! I'm just... never mind."

"Aegyoooo..." He cooed

( _Cuuute_...)

My heart was in an absolute frenzy, skipping beats all over the place.

"Stooop it!" I whined

"I could, but I won't. I like your smile. Yeppeuda."

( _Its pretty..._ )

He needs to stop too. I don't know if he acts like this with every girl he meets. I can't tell if he's even that type of guy. I mean, he seems genuine enough—really genuine, actually. But I don't know. Like I told him, my experiences with celebrities haven't been that great. I guess I'm a little jaded by that.

_And confused._

Namjoon could have any girl he wants. He's kpop royalty, a millionaire, and do you know how many girls probably want him?Why would he be interested in a girl who had a panic attack in an elevator?

"I like your smile too. Its those stupid dimples." I muttered

"STUPID?!" He exclaimed

My face was actually fucking hurting from how much he was making me smile. Just then, the intercom system crackled back on...

"Hello? Hello? Is everything still okay?" The same voice from earlier asked

"Yeah, we're alright!" I called out

Namjoon raised his eyebrows and grinned. He quietly applauded me.

"Look at you!" He said

"Shut up." I mouthed

"Okay, we're gonna try to get you going, hold on just one second." The voice said

There was another loud thud that came from somewhere outside of the elevator, and after a couple minutes—movement. The elevator resumed its descent.

"Thank god." I sighed

"Damn, am I really that bad?!" He asked

"Stop it. You aren't." I laughed "Hey... Thanks for helping me calm down, Namjoon-ah. I know you didn't have to. I'm sorry for freaking out like that in front of you."

"You know you don't have to apologize for that. And I did it because I wanted to... Look, um—You heard about the dinner tonight, right?"

"Yeah, I heard Jen say something about it at the meeting. Why is everyone making a such a big deal about it?"

"Its tradition! A pre-tour-hell-week dinner. We go out, we eat, we drink—before the real work begins." He explained "...Are you going?"

"I'm pretty sure I have to." I said

The elevator doors opened. There were quite a few people waiting outside of it when they did—Jen, hotel management, maintenance, security, the rest of BTS...

We quickly scrambled to get ourselves out of our current positions and off of the ground. Although I'm pretty sure everyone noticed the way we were sitting.

"He strikes again!" J-Hope exclaimed

"The God of Destruction." Jin chimed in, shaking his head

Namjoon chuckled shyly and scratched the back of his head.

"Seriously! How'd you manage to break an elevator, Joon-ah?" Jimin joked

I noticed Suga snickering in the background.

"Are you okay?" V and Jungkook asked in unison

_Ah, so cute!_

"We're fine, we're fine." Namjoon reassured them

"Yeah. Totally okay." I added

Hotel management apologized profusely for at least 15 minutes, they offered me several complementary airplane bottles of liquor, as well as a fruit basket. I kept telling them it was fine, but they insisted.

_Well, I'm not gonna say not free alcohol._

Just as I finally was able to break away from everyone and start heading to my hotel room, I heard Namjoon call my name as he came jogging over to me.

"Yo, Ivy!”

"Yo, Namjoon!" I mocked

He playfully rolled his eyes.

"I just wanted to—uh..." He looked down bashfully "I wanted to say that I really liked talking to you. I was wondering if maybe we could talk more tonight...?"

Yep. Its official. This guy is definitely gonna get me in trouble. Not only am I fully aware of how the k-pop industry views scandals, but I'm also aware of how afraid of them he should be. On top of that, I'm not trying to get murdered by a bunch of RM stans. I don't know how he lives his life, how he goes about getting girls or whatever he does—he's just being too casual about all of this.

"I'll be looking forward to it." I said, rushing through the sentence as if my life depended on it.

_Why the hell did I say that?_

He gave a quick nod and a shy smile that could melt your heart. I heard what sounded like a chorus of schoolboy chatter and chuckling coming from the other end of the hallway. I peered around his arm, only to see his hyungs all suddenly pretending that they were preoccupied and DEFINITELY not staring at us.

This is unbelievable.


	5. Guess Who? Just Guess.

“ _and then she knew_

_you could be homesick for people too.”_

_\- a_

* * *

I spent WAY too long getting ready. This never happens to me. Simply put, I'm the most confident about the way I dress. I love putting outfits together, which is how I fell into styling in the first place.

_But tonight, I've already changed 3 times. I'm TRIPPIN trippin._

I finally settled on something, mostly because I ran out of fucking time. I was getting texts in the groupchat with the other stylists asking me why I wasn't in the lobby yet.

* * *

I met up with them just in time. The other two girls I'm working with are actually pretty chill so far. The lead stylist, responsible for Jimin, Jungkook, and J-Hope is Mia. She's from here in LA, she's easily the most experienced. She’s worked with a ton of celebrities in the last few years. The other stylist, responsible for Suga and Jin, is Gem. She's from San Diego, this is only her second styling job. She is crazy talented though, so I definitely see why she got the gig.

This whole event felt so surreal. A big, dark SUV with blacked out windows arrived for us, and we were whisked away through the LA streets. The restaurant was even crazier—mostly because BigHit rented the whole thing out. So, it was just the boys and the staff.

When we walked in, I unwillingly started scanning the room for Namjoon. I didn’t even think twice about it, it was like I couldn’t help myself.

He was pretty easy to spot.

_Damn, he looks good._

Part of me was hoping that I would see him, suddenly not be attracted to him and I could go on about my business.

_Wishful thinking._

His hair was slicked back, with the exception of a few pieces that fell perfectly down onto his forehead. He wore a dark, silky button up that I recognized from Versace's Fall collection, which he paired with fitted black pants.

_I'm so dumb.Why am I doing this to myself?_

He was already seated in one area of the restaurant with his bandmates. Security lead Gem, Mia and I to the next table over.My heart jumped into my throat as we passed by them. It jumped all the way into my mouth when I felt someone poke me in the side.

_Guess who?_

I gave Namjoon a look that I desperately hoped would convey "what the hell?!", but I know it didn't, because I smiled like an idiot at the sight of him. He did the same thing.

"Ivy!" Taehyung exclaimed upon looking up from his menu

"Ivyyy!" There was a chorus of my name coming from the other members as well.

_Whyyy, god??? Just why?_

"Hey guys." I replied with a smile

Namjoon looked off to the side, as to not alert his hyungs before quietly saying:

"You look great."

When I tell you those 3 words gave me butterflies, its the understatement of the fucking year.

"Thanks... so do you."

* * *

Dinner was great, and so was I after 2 vodka sodas. I was finally feeling relaxed. Gem and Mia were pressing me for details about why Namjoon stopped me on our way in. I insisted that I really had no idea.

_They didn't believe me, of course._

I also noticed that Namjoon is the king of facial expressions—he made all kinds at me during dinner. I, of course just giggled like the clown that I am at everything he did.

Afterwards, we were all gonna head to some nightclub downtown with a name I couldn't pronounce—its supposedly very exclusive and hard to get into.I was waiting outside for the car to pull around, when someone grabbed my arm. I already knew who it was without even looking up. We all know who.

"Come on!" Namjoon exclaimed

"What? Where are we going??"

"The club—you're riding with me there."

"Hmm... Are you telling me, or are you asking me?" I joked

"How did I word it?" He shrugged "I think I was pretty clear."

_Ohhh, so he thinks he's funny!_

I jokingly rolled my eyes.

"Let me make _this_ clear then: I'm going with you because I want to, not because you're telling me to, okay?"

He grinned.

Those dimples are gonna be the death of me.

"Whatever you say, my lady."

He bowed and dramatically offered me his arm, which I happily took.

_Dork._

The two of us got into an empty SUV. He sat beside me, turning his body so he could lean his back against the door. Being this close to him wasn't necessarily new, as we were close earlier... but it felt different now. I felt like I could barely look at him without getting all flustered.

_And he smells so good, like expensive cologne._

I turned towards him too, but I kept averting my eyes, or finding a reason to look down.

"Wait—Where is everybody?" I asked

"They took another car—I requested this one. So! Let's talk."

The car took off to our next destination.

"What do you want to talk about, Namjoon-ssi?”

"Anything.”

"Hmm... Alright. Whats your favorite korean dish?" I asked

"Easy!" He beamed "Dak Kalguksu!"

"Really?! My mom always used to make dak kalguksu for me when I was sick."

"Mine too—its part of the reason why I love it so much. Its sentimental in a way. What about you?"

"Uhh..." I thought for a moment "I really love kimchi-jjigae. With pork!"

"And biiig tofu pieces??”

"Of course. Theres nothing like tofu when it cooks in that broth."

He nodded in agreement.

"So I guess we both like stews, huh? I'll have to make you some sometime..."

His reaction to my raised eyebrow was classic.

"Aigooo..." He groaned "What is it now??"

"You cook??" I asked in disbelief

"What did you think I was?" He laughed heartily "Some rich prettyboy who doesn't do anything for himself?"

"I just met you today! I didn't know what to think, _prettyboy_. Money doesn't have anything to do with it—I'm just surprised a guy our age actually knows how to cook." I snickered

"I do! I'm actually pretty decent, if I do say so myself." He boasted

"Okay, bet. I'll let you cook for me soon."

_What the fuck am I saying?_

I'm getting way too comfortable. This guy is sweeping me off my feet without even trying.

"I will. You’ve got a deal." He said "Ivy-ya, why do you keep looking down...?"

I felt his hand touch my chin, he lifted it until our eyes met. My heart stopped.

"I-I don't know." I stammered nervously

_This guy loves eye contact, doesn’t he..._

"Hmm... Oh, yeah! Are you sure you're gonna be able to wake up as early as you said you would?" He asked

I made a face.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I?"

"I saw you had a couple drinks already, you might wake up a little hungover. If you want to sleep in, we can still—"

"You drank too! Are you just saying that because you're worried _you_ might wake up hungover?"

"I-I'm saying it for both of us!"

"Mhmm." I hummed

"Well, even if I am—we're just getting started. The night is young. Your next drink is on me.”

"Uh, isn’t BigHit paying for everything tonight?" I laughed

"So?! I'm being a gentleman!"

"Fiiine, who am I to stop you from being a gentleman? Buy me as many drinks as you want."

"Woah, I didn't say all that...”

"Joon-aaahhh!" I whined

We broke into laughter... but I was quickly slapped in the face by the reality of our situation.

"Hey... there's something I need to talk to you about." I said


	6. Goober

__

_“you are the last thing_

_my heart expected.”_

_-b_

* * *

"What is it?" He asked curiously

"Aren't you, like, worried about being seen with me? I know you guys have rules about that stuff—whether you're allowed to date or not, you're supposed to be seen as single..."

"Well, its not that we aren't 'allowed' to date, its just kind of an unspoken thing. If any of us do date, we just try to keep it on the low."

His explanation didn’t really make me feel any better, but I didn’t have much time to dwell on it. The car slowed to a stop—we had arrived at the club.

He raised an eyebrow.

”Why are you asking me about that?” 

_Oop._

”I—Well, I’m... just looking out for you.”

I know that isn’t the only reason. I hate myself sometimes.

The look on his face let me know that he knew I was lying. But he sweetly said:

”I appreciate that.” Anyways.

”Looks like we’re here...” I noted, peering out of the window

"You wanna grab a drink? They have this spot out back here, it has a really nice view that I want you to see... I was thinking we could go out there and talk some more?”

"Whatever you want. This is RM's world, right? I'm just livin' in it."

"You catch on quick." He replied with a grin

* * *

The nightclub was so extravagant—I instantly felt out of place. It was at the top floor of an LA high-rise building. Once we were inside, Namjoon took my hand, leading me through a dark sea of people. He didn't ask to, he just instinctively did it. The roughness of his hands combined with the feeling of all the rings he wears was soothing in the most dangerous way.

What was really fucking me up was how truly natural it felt to hold his hand... His seemed to fit so well with mine.

_What's happening to me??_

We stopped to talk to his bandmates for a while. They were all so polite and welcoming. Everyone made me feel like family—but I'm still pretty uneasy about this whole thing. I have no idea what I'm doing or what his intentions are.

He eventually took me out to that rooftop area that he’d brought up earlier. It was less crowded and had a gorgeous view of the city.

While he went to the bar to order us both a drink, I took the liberty of getting lost in the scenery and in my thoughts.

"There you are!" He exclaimed "I thought you might’ve left me."

He appeared from behind me and handed me a drink.

"No! Sorry, I just wanted to see this view..."

”Its pretty, isn’t it?”

I nodded in agreement.

”I’m glad you like it.” He remarked quietly 

"Thanks for the drink, by the way.”

"Of course. The view _is_ really nice, but I think the view of me is better." He joked

He smiled so big—causing his sweet, crescent moon eyes to close as a result. He proceeded to hold up a peace sign.

He is the cutest fucking thing I've ever seen.

"You're so goofy." I laughed, shaking my head

"All to make you smile.”

_My heart is gonna explode._

* * *

We talked for what felt like an eternity. We ordered drink after drink as we swirled deeper into conversation. We talked about our parents, where we were born, our struggles, triumphs, heartbreaks... How he learned to speak english by watching Friends??

We'd switch back and forth from Korean to english so fluidly—it filled me with this sense of nostalgia and excitement.

... All the while he was being the cute goober that he is.

If I learned anything, I learned that Kim Namjoon is a walking contradiction, okay? He's this 5'11", deep-voiced, model-esque man who I could talk to about art, the universe and human nature—but he's somehow as adorable and clumsy as a golden retriever puppy. He giggles at everything, and, God, he's so genuine. Talking to him is fucking intoxicating. He makes me feel like no one else exists but the two of us.

I always had his full attention.

I'd been on quite a few dates on my 24 years on this stupid rock of a planet. I'd had boyfriends, I’d met a lot of guys, but of one thing I was terrified and absolutely certain of—I'd _never_ felt whatever he was making me feel.

_Also, take this with a grain of salt because we are both pretty drunk now._

We were sitting on one of the deck's many outdoor couches, enjoying the summer nighttime breeze. My legs were draped over his, and his arms rested on them.

"You know what the sexiest thing is to me?" He asked before taking a sip of his drink

"Hmm, why don't you tell me, Mr. Kim?"

"Conversation. What we've been doing since we met."

I raised an eyebrow.

"So, you're saying I'm sexy?" I laughed

"Don't laaaugh!" He whined "You don't think you are?"

That question is a trap coming from him.

"I don't know." I shrugged "I'm not gonna say I'm not, because you'll just argue with me about why I shouldn't say things like that."

"One day and you already know this well?" He laughed "Impressive... but its not just the conversation thats making me say that about you, jagiya."

( _babe_ )

My breath hitched in my throat and I immediately hid my face in my hands.

_Jagiya.Why did he have to say that?_

"Andeyooo..." I muttered

(No/Don’t do that)

"What? I'm sorry, did I upset you...?" He asked

I shook my head.

"No, its not that."

"Then, what?" He asked, innocently.

I know he knows what he’s doing.

But, suddenly, his voice was much closer than before.

"I'm just... I don't know. I'm drunk and you're making me fucking blush even more!" I hid my face in my hands.

"Jagiyaaa, you're cute when you're embarrassed." He chuckled softly "I can't help it."

_You know what?He needs a taste of his own medicine._

I uncovered my face and looked up at him, tilting my head slightly. I was shocked at first. He’d leaned in towards me _way_ closer than I thought, but I attempted to remain calm, no matter how lost I was getting in him. I reached up and gently pushed his hair away from his forehead, keeping eye contact with him the whole time—like he’s such a huge fan of.

Because of this, two things happened.

One: I noticed the jarring movement of his adam's apple—which I fought SO hard not to laugh at.

_Who ACTUALLY gulps when they're nervous?? Namjoon. Namjoon does._

Two: His cheeks flushed a rosey pink color, but for the first time, he made no attempt to hide it from me.

He is truly gorgeous. I couldn't wrap my brain around it. I'd been trying to all night.

It was absolutely adorable seeing him get so flustered.

"Gwaenchana?" I asked, feigning the most innocent tone I could

(Whats wrong?)

"E-Eh? I'm fine!" He stuttered "You're just..."

"I'm what?"

"Yeah, Joon-ah, what is she?!"

We both jumped—looking up to find none other than a clearly-wasted Jin standing in front of us, swaying back and forth. He smiled brightly and waved.

We both awkwardly waved back.

"We've been looking for you!" He continued

"Oh, my bad. I told you guys I'd be back here with Ivy." Namjoon replied

"I can see that!" Jin laughed

None of these guys can hide their emotions to save their lives. To put it simply: they're very expressive with their faces. Judging by the way Jin was eyeing my legs over Namjoon's lap, he was picking up on a few things. I hurriedly put them down.

_I need a minute._

"I'm gonna use the restroom really quick... I'll be right back, okay?" I said

**Namjoon's Point of View**

I watched her as she walked back inside. I had completely lost all track of time. I forgot where I was, when I was... talking with her made time stop. It had been a LONG time since I got that deep with someone that wasn't Jin, Yoongi, Jungkook, Tae, Jimin or Hobi. Something about Ivy made me want to open up, it made me feel safe to do it... and the fact that she feels safe enough with me to be just as vulnerable...

Damn. I know this is pure infatuation right now, we just met today, so I don't want to get carried away... but I have a tendency to be lead by my heart.

_And my heart wants more of this girl._

To be honest, it was scaring me a little.

"You like her already, don't you?" Jin asked, knowingly

"I don't know, man..."

"Yeah you do. You don't get stuck in an elevator with someone and not at least develop a friendship—that much I refuse to believe."

"What if you get stuck in an elevator with a murderer?" I asked "What then?"

I let Jin ponder that for a while.

"Whole lot more than friendship was going on out here!" A voice I recognized as Jimin's chimed in

"What?!" I exclaimed "Jimin-ssi... Were you watching us?"

"Not for long!" He protested "Just maybe, like, 20 minutes..."

"20 minutes?!" I repeated "Bbukeulobdaaa..."

(I’m embarrassed/flustered...)

"On and off!" He defended, rolling his eyes "I _do_ have a life, you know?"

"Aigooo..." I sighed "Wheres everyone else?"

"Tae is off sweeping one of the bartenders off her feet." Jin replied

"Always at it." I said

"Of course. Jungkook is up in VIP somewhere, I lost him a while ago." Jimin added "And Yoongi, honestly, I'm not even sure if he made it in."

"Oh yeah! He got really sleepy at dinner after having all of 2 drinks." Jin said "He kept mumbling about going back to the hotel to go to bed."

"What about Hos—"

"GUUUYSSSSSS!!"

We all looked over at the bar, and speak of the devil—Hoseok was waving us over.


	7. Earlier Than Expected

_“look up._

_we are all looking at the same sky.”_

_\- RM_

* * *

I breathed a sigh of relief after learning where everyone was. I know we're all adults... but as the leader, I always feel responsible for them. I just want all the hyungs to be safe.

_Aigoo... I sound like I'm their mom or something._

"Shots on me!" Hoseok beamed, his usual bright smile on full display

"Fuck it." I said with a shrug "Lets do it!"

Two shots of Patron later, I was feeling pretty damn good. Ivy made her way back outside, and of course, Hoseok got her a shot too.

We all hung around a table for a while, laughing and cracking jokes. Ivy fit right in with us. It all felt so organic—there was never an awkward moment. The entire interaction was only making me feel even more things I didn't fully understand.

"Jagiya..." I said quietly

Ivy sighed and looked up at me with those gorgeous amber eyes of hers. 

"You're not gonna stop calling me that, are you?" She asked with a sweet smile

"Not a chance."

"I guess I’ll have to learn to live with it."

I paused for a moment just to admire her. Her curls were being tousled by the warm breeze, 

"I'm really having a good time... thanks for—thanks for hanging with me."

Something about her expression changed in that moment. It was slight, but I noticed it somehow.

"What was that? What are you thinking?" I asked

"How is that you're reading me so easily?" She laughed and shook her head “Its nothing. Ignore me. And you know you don’t have to thank me for that. I’m having a good time too.”

* * *

The rest of the night flew by, and before I realized it—it was just past 2AM. Waaay later than we thought we’d stay out. I made sure to snap a picture of Ivy on that rooftop before we headed out. I couldn’t stop looking at it.

We all started heading back to the hotel.

I stopped her in the hallway before we had to part ways for the night.

She made a face.

"Stop trying to look all tough and come here." I laughed

**Ivy's Point of View**

Namjoon was just standing there, holding his arms out. I grinned like an idiot and leaned into him. God, his scent was intoxicating and he felt even better. I melted into the sensation of his strong arms wrapped around me.

We drunkenly rocked back and forth, neither of us wanting to let go of the other.

_This is so surreal._

"You're sure you still want to come with me tomorrow?" I asked, still slightly in disbelief 

"Mhmm.” He hummed “Are we still shooting for 9AM? I mean, thats only in 6 hours. Its late...”

"Fiiine. I'll push it back to 11. Get all the beauty sleep you need. But you need to be in the lobby at 10:55 sharp or I _will_ leave you behind." I warned “I’m about my business.”

"Ooo, so demanding! You're about to make act up..."

I playfully rolled my eyes.

"You're so cornyyy." I joked "You'd better be on time!"

"I'll be there, I promise. I'll set an alarm and everything. You can even text me. Here."

He handed me his phone for me to put my number in, and I handed him mine. I could barely focus on typing, not just because I was drunk, but because I was in shock.

"Okay. Itjima! Goodnight.." I said quietly

(Don't forget!)

We went to let go of eachother, but he squeezed my hand so I couldn't pull away. The butterflies in my stomach were going absolutely haywire.

"Joon-ah..." I sighed

"Hmmm?"

"I hate this! I don't wanna leave you."

"I know... this feels crazy, doesn't it? Are we crazy?" He asked, raising an eyebrow

"Probably."

We just stood there smiling at eachother, holding eachother. We were like two kids, cracking up every few seconds.

"Why are you so pretty, jagiya?" He asked

_OH MY FUCKING GOD._

"Andeyooo!” I whined

(Don’t do that!)

"Come here." He laughed, tugged at my arm lightly

My heart was racing a mile a minute as he pulled me back to him.

"You're ruining everything." I laughed softly "This is not what I had planned."

"And you think I did?!"

"Okay, okay." I said, taking a deep breath in "Lets say goodnight forreal this time."

"Forreal?" He asked

"Forreal."

He sighed deeply, bringing his eyes to mine.

"Jal jayo, Ivy-ya.”

"Jal jayo, Joon-ah.”

(Goodnight.)

I reluctantly let go of his hand, turning around to wave at him once more before I turned the corner.

He winked at me.

* * *

I woke up with a splitting headache, wondering if last night was some kind of fever dream. I sat up in bed, chugged half of the bottle of water on the nightstand, and threw the covers back over my head.

_I drank way too much. But..._

I went over last night's events in my mind, giggling to myself like a complete dumbass. The whole experience felt insane—the fact that I'd gotten this job at all, plus everything that happened yesterday. Knowing myself, this is usually the part where I subconsciously start to fuck everything up.

I glanced down at my phone.

9:17AM

My alarm wasn't supposed to go off until 10. I closed my eyes again, hoping to get a little bit more rest... but there was a knock at my door. I waited a few seconds to see if whoever it was would go away, but they knocked again—louder this time.

I dragged myself out of bed and over to the door. I stood on my tiptoes to see through the peephole. All I could see was a black beanie.

"Who is it...?" I asked

"RM!" A deep voice responded

_What is he doing here??_

How did he even find out what room I'm staying in? I don't think I mentioned it...

I hurriedly opened the door.

"What the hell—?!"

"Gogogogo!"

Namjoon proceeded to nudge me back into the room. He shut the door behind us before hurriedly peering through the peephole himself.

"Okay, I have several questions." I began "One: What are you doing here so early? Two: Uh. Are you okay?”

"Yeah... I'm alright, but on my way down here I started to feel like someone was following me."

"You think a fan got in or something?"

"Thats what it felt like. I don't know. I called my security. Its not that they aren't good, its just that... you'd be surprised what people will do to get to us."

 _Damn_...

"I know. I've read the stories... I'm sorry you have to live like that."

He shrugged

"It is what it is. I'm also just a little paranoid." He admitted sheepishly "So it was probably nothing."

"Thats oka—Hey! You never answered my first question! What are you doing here??"

"Good morning to you too, Ivy-ya!" He said

I laughed.

"Good morning." I replied with a yawn

"And to answer your question—I couldn't sleep anymore, so I got up and, uh... Here."

He handed me a small black tote bag.

_What...?_

When I looked down into the bag, I saw two things: Two gatorades, a water, a canned coffee and a bottle of Advil.

_Is he forreal?Seriously, is he even real?_

”Its in case you’re feeling as hungover as I am this morning.”

I looked up at his big dimply grin.

"...Why are you being so sweet to me?"

"You want me to be bad to you?" He asked with a sinister smirk "Because I could be..."

My breath shuddered at the sudden change his tone—how does he go from such a sweet peach to...

_Uh—never mind._

"Sh-Shutup!" I stuttered "You know thats not what I meant. Gomawo, oppa..."

(Thanks)

“Oooh, calling me oppa now, huh?” He teased “You’re welcome!”

I linked my arms up around his neck and hugged him tight. To my surprise, I felt my feet lift off the ground. I yelped, earning bunch of laughter for him. I didn't want to admit how nice it felt to be in his arms again, to be with him at all...

I still have all of these doubts swirling around in my head about whether or not this is truly okay. I mean, I _know_ it isn't... but I also wonder why everyone else is being so casual about it. Not just the other members but... the staff in general. Everyone was out last night, they definitely saw us hanging out.

_Is this normal for him?_

"You're so light! Are you eating enough?" He asked

"Yes, mom." I teased "Give me a little bit to get ready and we'll go, okay?"

"Okay."

I waited a few seconds, but there was no change. My feet still weren’t touching the ground.

"...Namjoon, you've gotta put me down."

"Oh! Right!" He chuckled “My bad.”


	8. Crushing On You

__

_"she had magic in her eyes,_

_even the stars envied."_

_-pp_

* * *

Namjoon set me back down and I headed towards the bathroom.

"Oh yeah. What time is your rehearsal? So I don't keep you and Taehyung too late...?" I asked

"Its at 4 but... I was actually wondering if you wanted to come with me?"

"Oof. I actually would love to, but I have some work to get done later. I have to make style notes and I need to come up with more ideas for the Chicago show. I've barely done aaany fucking sketches for that show."

Namjoon appeared in the bathroom mirror behind me, leaning against the door frame. His handsome face was sporting a precious pout. I like that he wants to spend this much time with me though. And everything in me is telling me to say fuck work and go see him in action, but I really do need to focus. I'll be on this tour for the greater part of 5 months, I'll have plenty of chances to see him.

"Don't gimme that look! You have rehearsal every day until the show—I'll definitely come to the one tomorrow. I promise. But tonight, I have to get some work done. I'm sorry, oppa."

"Oookay." He conceded "I understand. I like that you're focused. So responsible. I wanna see what you create though, okay?"

"Well... I'll just be working in here. If you want, we could hang out after your rehearsal is over."

He raised his eyebrows.

"I-If you're not busy.." I added nervously

That gorgeous smile crept onto his face again.

"I'd like that. You could come to my suite. I'll get us dinner...?"

"You don't have to do tha—"

"Let me. Please?" He interrupted

I sighed.

"If you really insist, I can't stop you."

"Exactly. Its RM's world, remember?"

"How could I forget?" I laughed "You really can't get enough of me, huh?"

"Tch—I could say the same to you, girl."

"I haven't been the one arranging these meetings!"

"Meetings?! Is that what we're calling these? If we're keeping score: Yesterday in the elevator was fate, so that was neither of us."

"Right, but before that, you asked to come out with me today. Thats one strike for you."

"Fine. Well, then I did ask you to hang out with me last night..." He said

"Strike two for RM. Then, today you asked me to go to rehearsal with you. Strike three!"

"Ah! But _YOU_ asked me to hang out tonight." He replied proudly

"Strike one for me. Thats _3_ to 1!"

"Aight, aight... Maybe my crush on you is bigger than the one you have on me."

_WHAT?_   
_My stomach is gonna fall out of my ass. I'm gonna pass out. Some type of medical emergency is happening here._

The look on his face after he uttered those words looked like he didn't mean to say any of that out loud. I caught his eye in the mirror. His cheeks flush and he looked away.

"NICE WEATHER WE'RE HAVING..." He exclaimed dramatically "The sun is really shining today, huh?"

_I can't deal with him._

"Who said I was crushing on you?" I asked jokingly, hoping I was hiding my panic well

"Well, are you...?" He asked curiously

"I want to say yes, but—is it normal to know you have a crush on someone so soon after meeting them?"

He shrugged

"Why not? What _is_ normal anyways?" He asked "If normal is what I think it is—I'm _definitely_ not normal. And you don't strike me as normal. So, I'm going off of feeling... What do you feel?"

_I love the way he thinks._

"I... I guess I have a little bit of a crush on you too then, or whatever." I muttered

He grinned once again.

"By the way—Judging by the NDA I signed when I got this job, I'm assuming I'm not allowed to post anything of or about you on my social media, right?"

He shook his head.

"Its an at-your-own-risk type of thing. I hate this stuff. Its stupid and it makes me feel... controlling. I want you to be able to do what you want."

_I guess that makes sense._

"Okay—I probably won't do anything like that, but on the off chance that I do, I'll still ask you first anyways."

"...Why?"

"Because—you know BigHit has their reasons for doing things. I understand how binding these rules can be, but I also know that you're a grown ass man." I explained "So, out of respect for you and your fans, I only want to post things that you feel comfortable with."

His eyes are the most telling thing about him. I could see that was surprised without him doing much of anything at all.

"That... That means so much to me. Thank you... I—" He stuttered "Aigoo... you keep leaving me at a loss for words."

"You know, Joon-ah, I'm starting to think you thought I was gonna be a bitch!" I said in a mocking tone

He broke out into laughter.

"Alright, touché, Ivy. You got me."

* * *

* * *

Namjoon and I were all up and down Rodeo Drive that morning. Would you believe he tried to buy me something? Something expensive. Of course I refused.

He actually insisted for about 45 minutes. I still refused.

_He's crazy._   
_I can't let him do that._

But, I ended up getting everything I needed for him and Tae, besides a couple of things I had to order. Tae met up with us back at the hotel afterwards. They did a bit of an impromptu fashion show for me—and it was a blast. The two of them are so fun to work with. They're super easy to style, being as fucking good looking as they both are. They look great in everything, but I love to add personal touches that really make the outfits them. You know? The way they accessorize, how many buttons they leave open on a shirt, whether they tuck it in, layer it—its all personalized.

I like to do sort of a scrapbook type of deal, I guess? I took polaroids of different looks I styled Namjoon and Taehyung in, that way I can reference them later. Plus, I let them write in it and make notes where they want. I got some amazing shots, and good notes from both of them.

* * *

RM texted me after rehearsal.

I waited about half an hour before I (hesitantly) boarded an elevator up to the one of the hotel's top floors.

_Getting stuck yesterday has me all traumatized._

I found his suite. 909. I took a deep breath.

_This is fine._   
_This is totally fine, right? Yeah. Its fine..._

I raised my hand to knock, but the door opened as soon as I did.

_Can't he just not look so good for once??_

He looked ridiculously cozy. His dark hair was still wet from the shower. He wore an oversized gray hoodie and matching lounge pants. He quickly pulled me inside and held me in a tight hug, keeping me close to his chest as he shut the door behind me.

"Mmnn... Yo." He remarked sleepily

"Hey... Joon-ah, you know we don't have to chill tonight if you're tired."

He shook his head vehemently.

"Nonono. I want to." He took a step back and looked me up and down "You're wearing your PJs too! Slumber party!"

"What?! I can't sleep here."

"Why not?" He asked, puzzled

"Because I—"

"Actually, don't answer that yet." He interrupted "I've gotta show you something first."

Namjoon settled himself behind me and put his hands over my eyes.

_Well, more like over the top half of my face._   
_The boy's hands are huge._

"What the hell?" I laughed "I can't see."

"Thats the point. Its a surprise."

We stumbled awkwardly away from our original spot for a few seconds, laughing the whole time as he attempted to guide me. We're both clumsy enough as it is, we were like two baby giraffes.

"You ready?" He asked

"Sure? I don't know. You're not gonna murder me, are you?" I joked

"Hmm... Now that you mention it—"

"NAMJOON!"

"I'm just kidding!" He chuckled "Surprise...!"

He finally uncovered my eyes, revealing a table with a huge array of banchan (Korean side dishes). In the center, sat two stone pots of—

"Kimchi-jjigae!!" I beamed "You remembered that?"

I spun around and peered up at him. He was already grinning from ear to ear.

"Yep! Your favorite. I made sure to."

_He's so sweet... Too sweet._

"I—I don't know what to say. You didn't have to go get all this..."

"You could start with 'you're welcome'! And why do you keep saying stuff like that?" He asked "Can't I do things for you?"

"But..." I let out a sigh "I'm sorry. Its not that I don't like the things you're doing. I do. I just—"

"Are you still thinking about that whole 'whether we're allowed to see each other or not' thing?"

"Well, yeah. How can I not? I'm working with you, and I don't want to get you into any kinda scandal or whatever—or lose my job." I explained "Getting this gig is kind of a huge deal for me. I don't want to fuck it up..."

"I'm thinking about all that stuff too. We're just getting to know each other right now." He took both of my hands in his "First: I'm not gonna let anything happen to your job. You're great at it. Besides, everyone loves you—the rest of the guys and the whole crew. You have nothing to worry about, okay? Second: I told you yesterday... if this _does_ turn into something, we just have to keep it lowkey."

I sucked my teeth.

_He knows damn well that this is already something._

The fact that he's thinking about the same things I am is comforting, though.

"You're saying 'iF thIs doEs tUrn iNto SomEthiNg', all while doing things to make me like you!"

His handsome face gave way to another big, dimply smile.

"See?! That right there is gonna be my downfall." I added, pointing to his face

"Your smile already _is_ my downfall, thats why I want to keep making you do it, jagiya."


	9. Namf*kingjoon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A kiss?~

_“I wonder_

_how I look_

_in your eyes.”_

_\- a_

* * *

I couldn't help but smile at him after he said that.

"Ah, there it is! Don't try to hide it." He said "Sooo... Can we please eat now?!"

"Yesss." I sighed "You know, you're lucky you're cute."

"Ohhh, I am? You’ve got jokes! I see. You know, I don't think I would've even noticed you at the meeting yesterday if your head wasn't so big..."

_NAM **FUCKING** JOON!_

"Wooow! Shutup!!!"

* * *

Namjoon's hotel suite was more like a luxury apartment, but I wasn't surprised. I assumed all of the members probably had rooms like this. After dinner, we ended up lounging around. I was working on my iPad and Namjoon was alternating between reading and writing.

We sat in the same position we'd been sitting in the night before—close together, with my legs draped over his. It was so nice just being able to be with him... for us to both be lost in our own little worlds, but together.

"Oh. I meant to tell you earlier..." He spoke up suddenly "That scrapbook you have is a really dope idea. With the polaroids and everything."

"Thanks! I kinda like having an element to my work that doesn't have a screen... and it'll be a pretty cool souvenir to remember my first tour by."

"Waitwaitwait... this is your first time on a tour??" He asked curiously "Have you ever traveled before?"

"Not really. I told you about when I came to the states from Korea when I was a kid... but I've pretty much been in New York ever since."

Namjoon set his notebook down and scooted closer to me. He got this lost, dreamy look in his eyes.

"Theres so much I have to show you."

"What do you mean?" I asked

"Things all over the world. The Eiffel Tower, the streets of Venice, the mountains in Japan... Theres a lot that I want you to see. Beautiful things."

My heart can't take anymore of this. It'll melt.

I couldn't wipe the fucking smile off of my face to save my life. I can't tell you how desperately I didn't want it to be there, but it wouldn't leave.

"I'll get a second book then. It can be for all the places you show me." I suggested

"As long as we can fill it together."

_?????_

Who the hell am I when I'm with him? I haven't made plans like this or ever mentioned anything as corny as making a travel scrapbook with someone I dated. I never had the money to travel, or the opportunity... all of this feels like a dream. The way he looks at me is not helping.

"What are you thinking right now, jagiya?" He asked, moving a stray curl out of my face

"Jagiya this, jagiya that... you really like calling me that, huh?”

He nodded.

"I could switch to english though—What do you prefer? Babe? Babygirl?"

All of those words in his deep, silky voice were really rustling up the butterflies in my stomach.

"Anything you want, Joon-ah.”

"Oh, you aren't playing hard to get anymore?"

I playfully rolled my eyes at him.

He placed his hand on mine and caught me in his captivating gaze. It was strange, as if neither of us could look away from the other. The only sound filling the air wascoming from his bluetooth speaker that played in the background—I could barely hear it, it was just a series of low rhythmic thumps. I was caught, like a fly in a spider web.

"Ivy...” He uttered quietly

"Hm...?"

"Can I... kiss you?"

_Fuck it. I'm already in too deep._

I didn't have the strength to speak, I just nodded as he leaned in. I could feel his smile as our lips met in the softest kiss I could've imagined. His hands gripped my waist, pulling me into him.

I took the liberty of deepening the kiss—I couldn't help myself.

One kiss turned to two, then three... until I lost count. His body was so strong and so warm against mine. I was overwhelmed, completely lost in him. Even with just kissing, he made me feel so wanted...

_How is he doing this to me?_

"I-I'm sorry." He apologized in between "I don't wanna get too carried away. Should I not have...?"

"No... no, I'm glad you did."

"You are?" He asked

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"I-I don't know.." He replied, flustered

He was blushing like crazy, but he leaned in and kissed me again.

"You know... I would wait with you." He said

"You would?" I asked, a little surprised.

"Of course I would! There you go again thinking I'm an asshole.” He laughed

"Mianhaaaeee."

(Soorrrryy)

"I'm kidding... You know, I’m not taking this lightly, Ivy. I know it can be hard to trust someone in my position..."

"Someone like you?" I said "A celebrity?"

"Aigoo... I hate that word. But yeah.”

"Its not necessarily all the fact that you're famous. I think its just hard for me to trust guys in general. I've had my heart broken a few times."

"Heart's been broke so many tiiiimes Iiii—" He sang out, his voice cracking like crazy.

_I see why he raps 🤣_

"Didn't know what to beleeeiiive!" I sang in response

We both broke out into laughter.

"I'm sorry—I couldn't help it.." He chuckled "But, I've had my heart broken too."

"Oh?"

He nodded

"Once... but it fucking broke me completely. So I understand why you're hesitant. I really do."

I playfully ran my fingers through his soft, fluffy hair, silently trying to calm my heartbeat.

"Yeah... It can be hard to trust again after something like that, you know?" I said

"I know. If it means anything—I'll make sure I don't break your heart. Take all the time you need to trust me. And I know you're about to be all 'thats what they all say'—"

"I am not!"

He gave me a look that somehow conveyed "yeah, right" perfectly.

"I know it seems crazy, but I really don't do stuff like this often..."

"I bet you say that to all the girls." I teased "I've gotta be honest, I'm pretty good at reading people, and you don't seem like you're that type of guy."

"Because I'm not." He continued "I like to have a connection. I can't really explain it, but when I saw you yesterday, aside from you being... beautiful, I knew there was something about you. After we got stuck in that elevator and we talked—"

"I almost hate that I know exactly what you mean. Something just clicked. It was weird. I feel the same way..."

He kissed me again before resting his forehead against mine.

"I'm glad we met..." He said

"Me too."


	10. Trial By BTS

__

_“Now, when I look up at the stars_

_I’ll try to shine a little brighter.”_

_\- knj_

* * *

I was still sitting in his lap, facing him. He kept one arm around my waist, and used his free hand to begin twirling one of my curls around his finger.

"It's getting late, Joon-ah." I said quietly

"Nnnooo!" He whined "Its only 11."

"Yeah, but you guys have a photoshoot early in the morning. We have to be up."

"Ara, ara. My day is actually pretty packed tomorrow. Rehearsal starts earlier and goes even longer."

(I know, I know.)

"Only two more days til the show though. Aren't you excited?!" I asked

"Always."

"What is that like for you? Performing or the feeling right before you go on stage...?" I asked

"I can't even describe it... there are no words. Its unlike anything imaginable."

"I really admire you for that. I'd be fucking terrified."

"Oh, trust, I used to be. Back when I was a trainee? Forget it. The thought of performing in front of a stadium full of people used to make me feel like I was gonna throw up." He admitted "Now I love it. The more packed the venue, the better. Its the best feeling in the world."

I gazed at him in awe... until he started making all of these cute, goofy faces at me.

_See what I mean? Duality._

I was giggling, but I snapped out of it once I remembered what time it was again.

"Aigoo... I really should go."

"Can't you stay with me?" He asked, burying his face in my shoulder "Don't leave."

"I don't have any of my stuff to get ready tomorrow morning! Plus, what would it look like if I left your room at 5AM in my pajamas? Creepin' through the hallways and whatever."

He leaned back and looked at me, making that pitiful pout that I was getting used to seeing.

"Namjoon, I'm gonna be on this tour for the next 5 months with you—I promise I'll stay the night so many times, you'll get sick of me."

"Impossible!" He exclaimed "Can't happen."

_I doubt that 😅_

He reluctantly walked me to the door and kissed me goodnight more times than I could count. I was almost dizzy with disbelief. I need someone to fucking pinch me, because none of this feels real.

* * *

I woke up on time somehow. I had to be at the studio for the photoshoot at 7AM. I showered and got dressed. My phone went off just as I was putting my jacket on.

I raced downstairs, going over everything in my head to make sure I had all the necessities. As soon as the elevator doors opened, I noticed Namjoon and the others sitting around in the lobby.

V's head popped up at the sound of the elevator's ding, and Namjoon's head popped up after V called my name.

 _Heh_.

"Ivy! Joeun achim!"

(Good morning!)

I waved at him.

"Annyeonghaseyo, annyeonghaseyo!" I said

(Hello, hello!)

There was a chorus of greetings and bows between me and the members. Namjoon grinned at me before coming over and slinging his arm around my shoulders.

"Annyeong, jagiya." He whispered

"Annyeong, oppa." I replied quietly before addressing everyone else "You guys ready for today?"

"Uuuugh..." Yoongi groaned "Barely."

"Sleepyy..." Jungkook stated with a yawn

Yoongi nodded in agreement, his eyes still puffy from just waking up.

"Me too." I added

I glanced over at Hoseok, who was off in his own world, dancing by himself and wearing a big pair of red headphones. He noticed me and waved excitedly.

"Yo!" He beamed

I waved back at him.

"Excuse him." Jimin said, switching to Korean "Hobi is a morning person."

"I see—"

"Soooo..." Jin began, taking on an overtly suspicious tone "Where'd you sneak our hyung off to last night?"

"Wait, huh?" I asked

Jungkook suddenly stood up and squinted at me, feigning suspicion. He pretended he was holding a magnifying glass up to my face.

I couldn't stop laughing.

"Mhmm." He hummed "You look guilty to me! Rapmon-hyung was supposed to come out drinking with us last night after rehearsal—"

"My client did nothing wrong!" Namjoon played along, defending me "What evidence do you have, Jungkook-ssi?!"

I was so taken aback at how easily they play off of each other. Seeing their dynamic in action was truly priceless.

"I'll take over." Jimin stepped in "Last night, RapMon-hyung opted to take a separate car from us after rehearsal. Why would that be?"

"I have no idea what you mean." I shrugged, playing dumb "I don't know what Namjoon-ah does in his free time and its none of my business."

"I think you do!" Hoseok interjected, slipping his headphones off "Namjoon-hyung asked a total of two different staff members where he could get authentic korean food to-go nearby. Why would that be?!"

"OBJECTION! Thats pure speculation!" Namjoon exclaimed "Don't badger my client!"

"I'll allow it!" Jin called out "The suspect may answer."

"Since when the hell is Seokjin-ssi the judge?!" I asked

"Quiet in the court or I'll hold you in contempt, Answer the question!" Jin said

_They’re really pretending to put me on trial right now. I fucking can't with them._

"Well, maybe Namjoon was just craving some of his favorites." I reasoned "That has nothing to do with me."

"I agree!" Taehyung said "I crave food from home all the time. Completely normal."

"Hmm, objection!" Yoongi replied "Taehyung is too close to the suspect, he could be covering for her. Its a classic conflict of interest."

We were all cackling, our laughter echoed through the lobby.

"But, really!" Jimin said "Where'd you guys go last night?"

"We were here." I replied "I had some work to do, he just kept me company."

"You know we're just kidding right?" Hoseok asked, concerned

"Yes, guys." I replied "Sorry for stealing your hyung for the evening."

"Steal this dude anytime you want." Yoongi added

"Yeah! You make him smile." Jungkook said

"And when our Joon-ah smiles, we smile!" Tae said

They all proceeded to grin in the goofiest way. Even Namjoon.

* * *

Being on set that morning was total chaos—hoards of people were running around, shouting, trying to get everything together... I just tried to focus on Namjoon, Taehyung and the work I had to do. After I finished up with them, I went to help the other stylists out with any finishing touches they might have needed.

Not a hair could be out of place—everything had to be perfect.

Namjoon pulled me off to the side for a second after he finished having his hair styled. The look for the shoot was pretty casual and laid back.

He still looked ridiculously handsome.

"Daaaamn!" I exclaimed "Okay. I see you."

He grinned and hit a little pose.

"You know how I do." He shrugged

"Chill out."

He laughed and cutely scrunched his nose at me.

"Mm! Jagiya, selca jjigja..?"

(Lets take a selfie/picture...?)

I don't know why I was so surprised by him suggesting that, but it really threw me. I tried to play it off so he wouldn't notice.

"Oh, our first selca? Thats pretty serious, Namjoon-ah." I joked

"I know, we're basically married after we take this."

"Shutuuup!"

He pulled his phone from his back pocket, put the front camera on, and handed it to me. I immediately started messing around with my hair as soon as I could see myself—mostly out of habit, I started tussling my curls here and there.

"Stop that! You look perfect." He said

"Yeah? Do you say that to all the girls? Smile." I laughed before snapping the picture

"Ah... Gweyopdaaa." I said after taking a look at it "Can you send that to me?"

(So cute)

"Done."

* * *

The photoshoot lasted until around noon, then the whole crew headed to lunch. While we were out, Jennifer organized a giant groupchat between all of us and the members to use for the tour, that way we could all get in touch with eachother more easily.

It ended up being really chaotic, but I'm sure it'll come in handy 🤣

The day so far was really a good bonding experience. I know I'm probably corny for saying this, but it really made me feel like I was part of the team—a family.


	11. A Beer and...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !! Warning !!  
> There is smut/adult content in this chapter~

_“now when I look up at the stars,_

_I’ll try to shine a little brighter.”_

_\- knj_

* * *

Around 2, I headed to rehearsal with the boys, as I promised Namjoon that I would. After about half an hour of watching them rehearse, and being in complete and total fucking awe of them—I noticed they were having trouble with a specific part. Well, more like Hoseok didn't like the way it looked. They kept stopping and starting.

He was in full dance instructor mode.

"Ughhh.." He groaned

"We should just change that part." Namjoon suggested "I feel like it makes the dance look kinda messy."

"Lets just try it one more time..." Hoseok said "5, 6, 7, 8–"

They did the same section of the routine again before they fell apart.

"Dammit." Hoseok muttered

"It still looks weird." Jungkook said

_I don't even know if I'm allowed to do this, but—_

"Uh... Guys?" I said as I stood up

"Oh, Ivy! Suggestions?" Hoseok said, clapping his hands together "How do you think it looks?"

"It looks amazing, but something in that 8-count is definitely off. Its the only part."

"Did you say 8-count? You dance?" Namjoon asked, raising an eyebrow

"I-I mean, sorta. In my free time I do some choreo every once in a while.”

There was a collective 'OoOoooO' from the group.

"Okay, okay. Settle down, class." I joked "But—What if at this point, Yoongi moved to the center, and Tae moved out to the left?"

"Like this?" Yoongi asked as him and Taehyung demonstrated it

"Yeah! And maybe Namjoon should go the same direction as you, Hoseok...? And Jungkook, Jimin and Jin shouldn't start their part until the second bass drop."

Hoseok put his hand on his chin in thought.

"I think that could work. Lets try it together." He said "Cue music... 5, 6, 7, 8–"

They did the routine with my suggestion, and it went slightly more smoothly.

"Ivy's our new choreographer—J-Hope, you're fired." Jin stated

" _Hey_!" Hoseok laughed

"It isn’t perfect, obviously. I think its just because I'm sitting at the angle that the audience would see you." I shrugged 

"Well, in any case—we appreciate you!" Jimin said "Gamsamnida, Ivy-noona!"

The chorus of thank yous followed his.

I could feel my face getting hot with embarrassment. I barely know them, but they were sweet and so grateful that I felt overwhelmed.

"Aigoo... its really not that big of a deal!" I said, shyly "Sorry if I stepped in where I shouldn't have."

"What are you talking about? Hobi asked you if you had suggestions and you did!" Yoongi said

"And it worked." Taehyung added in

"Ahh, she's just modest." Namjoon said with a wink

"So cuuute~" Hoseok gushed

_I CAN'T HANDLE THIS._

I hid my face in my hands.

"Aigoo, aigoo! Okay—paying attention to Ivy time is over now. Please go back to rehearsing before I die." I laughed

They were all laughing, falling out about me getting so flustered.

_Are they doing this shit on purpose?!_

* * *

I don't know when I dozed off, but I found myself being gently awakened by—

"Jagiya? Jagiyaaa..."

"Mmnn. Wha..? Mohae?" I mumbled sleepily

(Whats up?)

I sat up, I guess I was using Namjoon's backpack as a pillow.

"You fell asleep." He chuckled "I'm sorry, I didn't think rehearsal would run this late. Do you want me to get you a car back to the hotel? We still have a few more things to do and I don't wanna keep you..."

I looked up at his sweet face—he was drenched in sweat and looked absolutely exhausted.

"Hey... sit down for a second."

He did as I said and sat beside me. He let out a deep sigh. I handed him his water bottle and he took a long drink from it.

"You okay?" I asked

"Yeah, I'm good. I'm just tired."

"Don't push yourself too hard, Joon-ah... You're that kind of person, aren't you?"

"Its that obvious?"

I nodded.

"I'm the leader and we only have one dry rehearsal left." He rationed "Tomorrow's is at the stadium. I just want everything to go right."

"I know you do, but you guys are amazing. You're ready. Just do your best, okay?"

He nodded.

"Thank you, noona."

I began to dab his face with the towel he had slung over his shoulder. A honey-sweet, dimply smile appeared on his face.

_Will my heart ever stop dropping when he does that??_

"You're already spoiling me." He said

"Can't help it." I shrugged "What time is it?"

"Around 9, I think."

"Okay, I'll go back to the hotel. And if they ask you to go out with them— _go_. Relax, have some fun with your hyungs and stop worrying. You'll get wrinkles."

"Psh. You won't think my wrinkles are sexy?! I think they'd make me look distinguished." He joked

 _He's a clown_ 😂

"If I say no, will you go out with them?" I asked

"Possibly."

"Then no!"

"Fine. Oh!" He exclaimed, reaching for his backpack. He rummaged through it for a few seconds before retrieving a small white card, no bigger than a credit card "This is my room key. When you get back, after you settle in... you can go hang out in there if you want to. I shouldn't be too late."

I eyed him suspiciously.

"What?! Why are you making that face?" He asked

"Is this your way of hoping I'll get so sleepy that I'll end up staying the night? You ain't slick, RM."

"Mmmmaaybe." He joked

I shook my head.

"Whats your favorite beer?" I asked

"Kloud Draft... why?"

"Say no more. Feel free to call me that car now." I said with a wink

He smiled and handed me his room key.

* * *

**Namjoon's Point of View**

The guys and I went out for dinner after rehearsal. I was so exhausted, and even though I wanted to go back to the hotel and rest... I decided to take Ivy's advice and relax with them for a bit.

Just as we all got in the car after dinner, my phone buzzed.

"You're grinning at your phone—Ivy text you?" Hobi chuckled

"Snapchat." I corrected "Aigoooo, I think I like her."

"You think? Haven't seen you like this over a girl in a looong time."

The truth is, I've really put my lovelife on the back burner for the past 4 years or so. Having a relationship when your life is as chaotic, or has as many rules as mine—it makes things way more complicated than they need to be.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I get it how I live. I travel the world and I meet a lot of different women. I've had my fair share of...encounters.

I just always felt so selfish getting into a relationship, I'm gone a lot and I'm always working. I don't want to end up really caring for someone, only to hurt their feelings by not being able to spend time with them. So, I kinda gave up on the whole idea. I decided to focus on my career with limited to no distractions. It doesn't mean that I didn't want a girlfriend or someone to share my life with.

I don't know what it is about Ivy that made me want to forget all the personal rules I had in my head. It was like everything went right out the window as soon as I met her. If something was happening between us... I wanted to find a way to make it work.

* * *

I got back to the hotel, showered, and found Ivy passed the fuck out on my bed. I climbed in next to her and cuddled her close to me, reveling in the sweet vanilla and lavender scent coming from her hair.

"Mnmm..." She groaned, sleepily "You're back. How was the rest of rehearsal?"

"It went well! I'm pretty happy with it."

"See? I told you just to relax. Everything will be okay."

I leaned in and kissed her.

"I've wanted to do that all day." I admitted, lazily twisting one of her soft curls around my finger

"Me too... Oh! I wanted to ask you about this." She suddenly pointed to my plant that was sitting on the nightstand "It didn't look like hotel decor. I wasn't trying to be nosey, I swear. I was just wondering... is it yours?"

"Ne!" I said proudly. I reached over and picked it up

(Yeah!)

"Its beautiful!" She beamed, regarding it with wonder

"Its my plum blossom bonsai tree!" I said, becoming way more excited to talk about it than I thought I would "I start my day off by watering it every morning. And it grows this little red plum blossom. See??"

"I love it... So you travel with it?"

I nodded

"Ahh...gwiyeopda!"

(So cute)

"Having it with me... I guess it makes me feel a little less lonely, you know?" I admitted

"Uni joheusineyo!” She said "I had to give all my plants away when I took this job. It sucked, it was like giving away my children."

(You’re lucky!)

My eyes widened.

"Holy shit—you had to give all of them away????" I asked in disbelief "Wait... You like plants too?"

"Well, yeah. I couldn't ask anyone to water them every week while I bail for 5 months. So, I gave them away to friends. But I gave my favorites to my mom, which she said I could have back when the tours over. And yes—I love plants. They're better than people."

"Way, way better." I laughed "I'm so sorry you had to give them away to come travel with us. Aigoooo... that makes me feel so guilty."

"Don't! Oh my god." She laughed "Trust me, this the opportunity of a lifetime. And at least I get my favorites back! Speaking of favorites—"

Shehopped off the bed and walked over to the mini fridge. She returned with two cans of Kloud Craft beer.

"Kloud! Thats why you asked me what my favorite beer was... Gomawo, jagiya."

(Thank you)

"You're welcome!"

 _She's wonderful.._.

She handed me one of the cans. We both cracked them open.

"Cheers?" I asked

"Sure." She shrugged "What to?"

"Hmmm... Our health, the health of our plants, and to... meeting each other."

She grinned

"I love that. Cheers." She said

"Cheers."

After we both took a couple of sips, we started gazing at eachother again. She's so beautiful, I can't match it with anything else in my mind... except maybe my bonsai tree or it's plum blossom. Its hard for me to take my eyes off of her. Her eyes, her skin, her hair... in my eyes, she's perfect.

_Its still crazy to me how connected I feel to her._

We put our drinks down on the nightstand. Within a couple of seconds, were drawn to each other like magnets, like moths to a flame. We kissed again and again, but I couldn't stop. I wanted her so much closer. She was so surprisingly receptive, kissing me back eagerly, and running her fingers through my hair. My hands wandered every curve of her body—she's so much softer than I ever could have fucking imagined.

 _I want her so bad, but I want to cherish her._ _I want her to know how much I feel..._

I want her to understand how much it means to me to have someone I can be real with—I don't get that a lot in my world.

"Jagiya?" I whispered between kisses

"Hm?"

"Will you let me do something for you?"

"What do you mean...?" She asked

We became entangled in sweet kisses once more.

"I mean..." I said, breathlessly "I don't know how to say it without saying it."

I lifted her up and brought her down to the edge of the bed, allowing her legs to dangle off the side. I got on my knees in front of her, gently using my hands to part her thighs as I placed gentle kisses all over her bare skin. She was submitting to me so quickly... the way her body reacted to my touch—it was making me crazy. I kissed and sucked on her inner thighs more, even biting her a few times as I felt greed begin to overtake me.

The higher I kissed, the warmer her soft skin became. My heart was pounding in my chest, thrashing about with me at it's mercy. The only thing separating me from her was the thin material of her shorts.

I could hear her letting out small hums whenever I would get closer to that spot.

"Are you okay with this?" I asked

I looked up at her, her pretty face was all flushed and rosey. She was struggling to speak. All she could manage to do was nod.

"Look at you, blushing already... so cute."

**Ivy's Point of View**

"Don't be shy with me..." He whispered "Let your voice out, I wanna hear you."

He was only speaking to me in korean at this point, which was making me wild. He gently tugged at my shorts and panties, quickly sliding them down over my legs in one swoop. He drew back a breath and licked his lips.

I craved him so badly that I was actually shaking. My breathing became shallow, my heart raced...

He chuckled softly.

_He's enjoying seeing me like this..._

"You're beautiful here too...? Aigoo. And look at how wet you already are, babygirl."

A soft moan escaped me as he continued to admire my body. He looked up at me with a devilish smirk.

"Damn..." He said "I haven't even touched you there yet, and you're already moaning for me?"

"Its because you... Joon-ah, if you keep talking like that..."

"Like what?" He asked "Like I can barely wait to taste you?"

He knows exactly what the hell he's doing to me.

I swallowed hard.

"You're squirming..." He noted "Will you be able to handle me, baby?"

"Why don't you find out for yourself...?" I asked, practically begging him to devour me

"Can I?" He asked, I could tell he was trying to stay calm, but I could hear the desperation in his voice. It only made me oblige more.

I nodded.

He attacked my heat with long, slow kisses, gripping my thighs and pulling me closer to his face. I was already a mess. I felt dizzy with pleasure as I shoved my hands into his soft hair. He moved his tongue so skillfully, knowing all the right spots.

The lewd sounds of him lapping me up were almost too much...

He began moaning into me, driving me closer and closer with the vibrations. He couldn't help himself, it was so sexy how overwhelmed he was.

He was so deliberate with every motion he made.

"Jagiya..." He moaned "You're so sweet. Your scent, your taste—I can't stop..."

I had one hand on his head now, the other was desperately clawing at the sheets.

" _Fuck_..." I moaned

It had barely been 2 minutes and I could already feel myself getting dangerously close. Either he's fucking incredible at this, or I haven't gotten any in a long time...

_I'm going with both._

"J-Joon-ah..." I breathed "I'm getting close..."

"Already? Not yet, babygirl. Please let me do this a little longer..." He begged "Mm... Please?"

He started going faster, barely coming up for air anymore. The warmth of his mouth, combined with watching him look up at me with those eyes... it was absolutely sending me. I was desperately trying to hold myself back but he was making it impossible.

 _How is he so good at this?_ _He knows exactly what to say, do, and where to do it..._

"Fuck... Joon-ah, _please_. I'm gonna..."

"Say my name while you cum, babygirl." He demanded "Can you do that for your oppa, hm?"

He attacked once again, gently fucking me with his tongue.

"Na—Na..." I stuttered

I couldn't even catch my breath long enough to get his name out. My head was spinning and my mind was beginning to go blank.

"Na, Na...?" He taunted, darkly "Thats not my name. Say it right, jagiya..."

_God, that voice.I can't take it._

"N-Namjoon... _ah_!"

"Mmm... gyeso... gyeso..." He moaned into me

(keep going...)

He kept his grip on my thighs tight, and kept himself buried between my legs as I came. My orgasm nearly knocked the wind out of me. It was intense, to say the least. I fell backwards in a daze, completely confused and exhausted.

He's so much dirtier than I thought he'd be. He's such a cute, goofy guy... I didn't exactly expect this side of him to exist.

_I'm glad it does._

He curled up next to me and kissed me on the cheek.

"Sooo, about those plants—" He began

"Namjoon, shut up."

We both laughed.

"You... you're something else, you know that?" I said

"People always say that, I don't think I understand why."

"...Are you suuure you wanna wait?" I asked

"Yes!" He chuckled "Now moreso than ever. Be patient, jagiya."

_Just checking 👀_

"I'm kidding... I know. Did I mention that I like that about you?"

"What?" He asked

"That you want to wait... its sweet."

"Well, I want you to be sure about everything before we do that—Its important to me."

I nodded and gave him a kiss on the forehead.

"Ah. Whats on the schedule for tomorrow again?" He asked "I know we have dress rehearsal, but whats before that?"

I grabbed my phone to check the itinerary.

"Looks like you guys have 2 interviews in the morning, then we head to the stadium."

We spent some more time talking about the next day, cuddling, laughing, talking... Not about anything really important, I kinda wanted to give his brain a break. My head was still reeling from what he'd done to me.

I was honestly surprised by our ability to be so casual afterwards... but I guess that just shows how comfortable we were becoming with each other.


	12. A Loaded Question

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave me some comments~

__

_”I lose myself in you,_

_yet,_

_become more of who I need to be.”_

* * *

One of the things I'd be come addicted to was listening Namjoon speak. Whenever he gets carried away, or has to speak for the group about something—Listening to him is completely mesmerizing. His soothing voice and his words never fail to leave me completely in awe of him. The guy has quite a vocabulary so matter what language he's speaking.

 _Its impressive..._ _it makes me even more attracted to him_.

After getting him and Tae dressed to the fucking nines, if I do say so myself, I watched them do their two interviews. Then, it was off to the Rose Bowl stadium. The crew was split into 5 or 6 Tahoes. The stylists and I were in the middle car with the boys.

"I'm. STOKED!" I beamed

"Me too!" Namjoon replied with a grin "What are you most excited about?"

"Getting to see you guys in action really. You work your asses off, so you must put on quite a show."

"Hell yeah we do!" V chimed in "And afterwards, we eat a biiiig dinner. Then we knock out. We get a break for two days before the next show this time."

Namjoon leaned over to me.

"And in those couple of days—We're going on a date." He said quietly

My heart skipped a beat.

"We are?" I asked, trying to play it cool

He nodded

"I've been feeling guilty about not taking you out on an actual date yet..."

"What? We're getting ready for the first show of the tour, and you're worried about that on top of everything else?"

"I know I shouldn't, but I want to do this right! I don't want you to think I'm not being a gentleman."

He seemed so legitimately/adorably worried about it that I actually started to feel bad.

"You're a perfect gentleman, Mr. Kim." I laughed "I never thought otherwise. I don't really care about dates and stuff like that—don't get me wrong, I still like them—but the time we've been spending together has been just as good as any date."

"Of course! I'm loving the time we spend together too, jagiya... but I want to really put you in RM's world. I wanna take you Namjooning."

What a cute word—no idea what he means by it, but I'm down for whatever.

"...Namjooning?" I asked curiously

He nodded

"I'm gonna plan a whole day for us, okay? Just you and me.

The smile that can't seem to stay off of my face when I'm around this kid reappeared once more.

"I'd like that."

* * *

I was so mesmerized by them as we watched them run through the whole show, wardrobe changes and all. It was a ton of work and I was exhausted by the end—but getting to see Namjoon in his element like this was so. fucking. cool. He handles everything like a boss. I was falling more in love with his voice. It's smooth, deep tone reigned through the venue as he performed.

They all have such a commanding stage presence... its the complete opposite of the 7 goofballs I was still getting to know.

They closed out with Mikrokosmos. So, after they ran through the song and hit their final pose, that was it. Dress rehearsal was over and our whole team was going crazy. Stage management crackled through on everyone's earpiece.

"Thats a wrap everyone! Great rehearsal, guys. Staff, crew, everyone—fantastic job!"

* * *

We all enjoyed yet another celebratory dinner before going back to the hotel. The guys invited some of us to hang out in Jungkook's suite afterwards, so we all headed over. We talked, had some drinks, and listened to some music. They would break off into practicing and harmonizing every so often.

I was having my second glass of wine as I sat in Namjoon's lap, my back resting against his muscular chest, relishing in the feeling of it's natural rise and fall. His chin was perched up on my shoulder.

"You killed it tonight!" I said to him "You were amazing. I can't wait to see you guys do that forreal tomorrow."

"You killed it. You were on top of every detail—never missed a beat. Remember when I almost walked out with the wrong shoes on?!"

"Oh my god, dude. I could've kicked you." I laughed "They didn't even match. I'm so glad I caught you before you went back... but I'm just a stylist. No big deal. You're the star here."

"Don't say that. You're not just anything. Everyone on the team is important. Don't undermine yourself and take the compliment!"

"You didn't even take yours!" I protested

"THANK YOU!"

"THANK YOU!" I mocked

"Honestly... having you there gave me more confidence—more butterflies too. I was excited to see you every time I had to come off stage." He admitted bashfully"Shits gonna be exhausting tomorrow when the crowd is there. I don't know if I can handle being nervous before going onstage and before coming off."

"I was freaking out too! Every time I saw you exiting the stage from the monitor. Aigoo..."

"Gwiyeopdaaa!" Hoseok gushed from across the room "You sound like a couple already."

(So cute!)

"Stoppp." I muttered, hiding my face in my hands

Namjoon wrapped his arms around me.

"Its true!" Jin chimed in "I called it first."

"Actually, _I_ did." Taehyung corrected "I saw the way Namjoon-ssi looked at Ivy when she introduced herself at the meeting. It was over before it even started.”

"To be fair, we _all_ looked at her." Suga chimed in

_Okay, Yoongi. I see you 👀_

"Hey! What does that mean?!" Namjoon asked

"Jimin—you know that look Rapmon-hyung gets on his face when he sees something he likes?" Tae asked

"OH!" Jimin exclaimed "This one??"

Jimin somehow made an exact replica of a Joonie expression I recognized.

"OH MY GOD! THATS IT!" I laughed

"I do _not_ make that face!" Namjoon protested

"You definitely do." Jungkook added, just before taking a swig straight from the bottle of Cabernet.

"Jungkooook!" I whined "Did you drink the rest of it?!"

He closed one eye and looked down the bottle neck.

"Woops." He muttered "Sorry noona."

I laughed shook my head.

After a few minutes of idle chatter, we all returned to our own individual conversations. Thats when I got a rather unexpected question from Namjoon.

"I wanted to ask you about something." He said

”Sure... whats up?”

"Its about you and your experience growing up—being half korean and half black... If you don't mind me asking, what was that like for you?"

I was a bit taken aback at first, but given how his mind works and what a thinker he is, it quickly made sense to me. He's always trying to broaden his knowledge on topics like this... I was glad he felt comfortable enough with me to ask.

"I'm not gonna lie, it was really hard sometimes. I had a lot of issues with my identity." I admitted "I got depressed. I felt like I wasn't black enough but I wasn't asian enough either. I didn't fit in anywhere, you know?"

He leaned in close, listening intently.

"And of course people made racist ass comments here and there..." I continued "But after I found a group of friends that stuck with me—I finally started to feel like I belonged somewhere."

"I can relate to that. It makes me so angry that people still think that way. How the hell can they be so closed minded? I can't wrap my head around it."

"Thats a question we've been asking since the dawn of time... I still think I had it easier than a lot of people because of where my mom chose to live. In New York City, people seem more open minded. If I'd moved somewhere in the south US, this might've been a very different story."

"Thats true. How did you deal with it? Like, what'd you do to overcome it?"

"I stopped giving a fuck, really." I shrugged "I just decided... I'm me, and thats fine."

He grinned

"I knew there was something about you..." He said "Thats my whole message—our message."

He gestured towards the group.

"You know, somehow I think I would've figured that out. Its not like the name of the tour we're on is Love Yourself or anything..."

"Smartass." He chuckled

I paused to take a long sip of my wine.

"And, I'm glad you brought that up actually... If whatever is happening between us becomes... a thing, how do you think your parents would react to me?"


	13. Seoul Psychos

__

_“i saw that you were perfect_

_so i loved you._

_then i saw that you were not perfect_

_so i loved you even more.”_

* * *

He paused and thought for a moment.

"My mom would just be happy I'm bringing a girl home period." He chuckled "I know the states and Korea have a ton of cultural differences. The subject has come up before. She's always said 'she'll love whoever I choose to love' and my dad better follow. As long as I'm happy, I'd hope that they'd be happy for me."

"Is that where you get all your smarts from, Joon-ah? Momma Kim?"

"I'd say so! And I get my cool composure from my dad."

"Uh... What cool composure??"

"YA!"

(HEY!)

I burst into laughter.

"Are you staying with me tonight...?" He asked

I sighed

"Hmm." I teased "I've reaaally gotta think about it."

"Jeeebaaal?" He begged, cutely "Ivyyyy!!!"

(Pleeease?)

"Okay, you wore me down." I laughed "I'll stay."

* * *

We ended the night snuggled under the fluffy duvet on his bed. He cuddled me so close, it was almost as if he was afraid I would disappear if he didn't.

"Joon-ah... you okay?" I asked

He sighed.

"I am now."

Our lips met in kiss after kiss, then he rested his forehead against mine. He began quietly mumbling lyrics quietly to himself in Korean—lyrics to a song I didn't recognize. As he began to repeat what seemed to be a chorus, I sang along with him.

" _Saranggwa miumi gateun marimyeon_

_I love you Seoul..."_

_Saranggwa miumi gateun marimyeon_

_I hate you Seoul..."_

_(If love and hate are the same words,_

_I love you Seoul._

_If love and hate are the same words,_

_I hate you Seoul.)_

"Is that your song?" I asked

He nodded

"It's pretty." I remarked "The lyrics... What do you mean by them?"

"How would you interpret them, jagiya? No context. Whats your first impression? Go."

"Well... it sounds like you have a love hate relationship with Seoul. You love parts of it, but you hate how grimy and superficial it can be. But, its apart of you now...?"

Namjoon was gazing at me with a familiar hazy, dreamy look in his eyes. He didn't reply, he only kissed me.

"How do you keep doing that?" He asked "Its like you know whats in my heart."

_I'm going to melt._

"I find your heart easier to read than most people's." I admitted "Your messages are... clearer to me somehow. Aigoo, that sounds stupid—"

"It doesn't. I promise you it doesn't." He reassured me

"Its funny... you feel that way about Seoul, and I barely remember it at all. I wish I could remember things about it." I reminisced "I left Korea so long ago that I can't. My parents would take me on day trips to Seoul, we'd take the train... but I can't remember the way the air smells there, the lights, the sounds..."

The look on his face was one I'd never seen from him before.

It was almost... sad? Or regretful?

"When we go to Seoul at the end of the tour—I want to help you remember those feelings. I'll take you anywhere, everywhere, I'll—"

I silenced him with a kiss, he returned it softly.

"I'll show you everything." He finished "Every corner, every crack in the walls... I want you to feel the city's pulse."

I would be lying if I said the thought of experiencing that with him didn't sound absolutely amazing.

"I really like you." He whispered

"And I really like you."

"It took me 3 days to fall for you. Aigoo... record timing." He said

"I know right? We're psychos. Its confirmed." I replied with a shrug

"Aishhh... I know."

"You really need to get some sleep. You have a big day tomorrow." I urged

" _We_." He corrected "And thats exactly why I'm having such a hard time. Oh!"

He sat up suddenly.

"I should probably tell you that I don't sleep with a shirt on... but if you want me to, I can. Its not a problem—"

"Joon-ah. Just take your shirt off." I laughed "Its okay."

I instantly regretted my decision as soon as he slipped his shirt over his head. I could finally see how toned he was. His stomach, his defined chest and arms...

Not to mention, the guy has baby-soft skin.

He's fucking beautiful.

He quickly noticed me gawking at him and smirked at me.

"Why are you looking at me like that, jagiya? Hm?" He teased

"I—what? Shutup!" I stuttered

He laughed and pulled me back into his arms. He placed a series of soft kisses on my forehead.

"You seriously need to try and get some rest. Its past midnight." I said "Talk to me. Let all your thoughts out and try to relax."

"Mm... Thank you for being so concerned for me. I'm still a little nervous about tomorrow—excited but nervous. I used to stress way worse about shows. I had to stop, if really wasn't good for me. Now, I know that shit just happens, you know? Our fans love us no matter what mistakes we make, but we still want to put on the best shows possible for them."

I nodded, listening to his deep voice, his steady breathing, feeling how warm he was... I just allowed his stream of thoughts to flow.

It was actually beginning to lull _me_ too sleep.

"Oh, and for our date on Sunday. I planned everything..."

_When did he even have time to do that?_

"I'll take you on a hike, theres this gorgeous view that I want you to see... and then we'll go to breakfast. After that, to The Broad Museum, then... Ivy-ya?"

"Hm? I'm listening..." I replied sleepily "I promise."

"Are you?" He chuckled before continuing "After The Broad, I'll take you for a walk at this garden I love—the flowers there are so... pretty... I can't wait to show you..."

He took a deep breath and continued his sleepy ramblings until we both drifted off.

* * *

I yawned and stretched before curling back up under the covers, relishing in the scent of Namjoon's cologne on the sheets.

The guys and stage crew have to be at the stadium at 11, but the rest of the staff doesn't have to arrive until 2. So, I thought I still had some time to rest... that is until I could've sworn I heard the front door open.

But there was silence after that.

I froze.

_What the fuck?_

"...Hello?" I called out "Who's—“

"NAMJOONSSSIII!!!!"

I sat up just in time to see 5 grown, screaming Korean men charging at me at top speed.

_What has happened to my life?? 😂_

"What—GUYS!! HEY!"

Tae, Jimin, Hoseok, Jin and Yoongi came rushing into the room, all still wearing their pajamas. They flopped down onto the bed one by one.

"Wait—you're not Namjoon-hyung...?" Hoseok began as a sly smile crept onto his face "Whatchu doin' in here, Ivy?!"

I quickly switched the conversation to Korean, stumbling on my first few words in a panic.

"I—uh...well...Shouldn’t I be the one who should be asking questions? What are you guys doing??”

"We usually do this on the mornings that we have shows, we all bust into Joonie's room... So, what are you doing?" Tae asked

 _Out of all the guys, Taehyung knows damn well what I'm doing._ _Why is he playing dumb?!_

"Ugghhh..." I groaned "Well, I was gonna try to go back to sleep, but I guess thats not happening."

"Don't avoid the question!" Jin said "Where is Mon-ah anyways?"

"Didn't you guys notice Jungkook is missing too?" I asked

"Ah—So, he is..." Yoongi realized as he looked around

"They went down to the gym." I said

Jimin squinted at me.

"You slept here, didn't you?" He asked, a knowing smile creeping onto his face "Did you guys—?"

"No!" I interrupted, frazzled "He... he asked me to stay with him, so we just slept. Thats all. When I woke up, he was gone. But he texted me saying him and Jungkook went to work out."

"Awwww!" Hoseok gushed, a big grin on his adorable face.

"This is so cute. I almost can't believe it." Jin added

"What is??" I asked, confused

"We don't get to see this side of him very often... if ever." Tae explained "Rapmon-hyung is our leader, and he's amazing at it. But that usually means—"

"He hides a lot of his emotions." Jimin finished "From us, from everyone. He's private, and he always acts like he's fine even if he's struggling."

That definitely sounds like him.

"Seeing him like this with someone is really cool for us." Yoongi said "You're lucky he's opening up this side of himself to you so fast. Took us a looong time."

He is a pretty tough egg to crack, especially when he's in leader mode. He's so good at wrangling everyone in and conveying their thoughts.

I was in love with the fact that they all care about him so much, and they know him so well.


	14. BANGTAN!

_i know i should crumble for better reasons,_

_but have you seen that boy?_

_he brings the sun to it's knees every night._

_\- rk_

* * *

"He thinks he has to be strong for everyone around him. Usually we're a damn mess and he's the one who keeps his composure and holds us together." Hoseok said

"Yeah, I kinda picked up on that from him..." I began "It actually worries me a little bit."

"Just check in with him sometimes and make sure he's okay. We're always gonna take care of him. But if you're on your way to being his girl, we have to make sure you do too!" Jin said

_Girl...?_

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

We all looked up and saw 2 awfully sweaty guys come barreling towards the bed. Namjoon and Jungkook. We all effectively scattered away before erupting into laughter.

"Jagiyaaa, joeunachim." Namjoon greeted me with a big smile "I'm gonna jump in the shower really quick. Then I've gotta have a little meeting with the guys before we head to the stadium."

(good morning)

"Thats cool, I need to head back to my room to get ready and finish up a few things anyways."

He nodded

"Text me when you're on the way to the stadium, okay?" He asked

"I will... Hey, you know you're gonna do amazing today, right? Don't stress too much."

"Gamsamnida! You will too. We've got this." He said

(Thank you!)

I gave him a quick peck on the lips, said bye to everyone and headed out.

* * *

Later, I sent this to our Snapchat group.

* * *

It was 20 minutes to showtime—I was freaking the fuck out. Backstage is hectic. I was rushing to make sure Namjoon and Taehyung looked perfect, while simultaneously doing other random tasks and trying to help everyone else. The fans had made their way to their seats, and let me just tell you something: I had never in my life heard a sound like that. The sound of the crowd is indescribable. A stadium full of people who absolutely adore the 7 goofballs I was getting to know.

I was adjusting Namjoon's mic, ensuring it would stay in place during the opening number.

"You okay, jagiya?" He asked

"How can you ask me that at a time like this?" I laughed "I should be asking you that. Are you?"

"Ahh, I'm so excited. I'm just ready to get out there!"

"Well, you look stupidly handsome, your mic is set—Tae!" I called out, turning my attention to him "Fix the back of your shirt!"

He gave a boxy grin before following my instructions.

"Good luck, Taehyung-ah!" I added

"Thank you, noona!!" He beamed 

"And you're good to go." I said to Namjoon "Go fucking eat that shit, you hear me? You'll be amazing."

"You know I will! Be sure to watch me... and thank you. I mean it."

"Of course—I'll see you for the wardrobe change after DNA."

He quickly looked around to see if anyone was watching us before giving me a kiss on the forehead.

"Gooo!" I urged with a laugh "You're gonna be late."

"I'm going, I'm going! See you soon." He smiled and jogged off

* * *

There are no words for how I was feeling after watching them perform. The night went off without a hitch, they were absolutely incredible.

After their final song, they all came down from the stage—sweaty and exhausted. I was right there waiting with oxygen for Namjoon.

Despite how sweaty he was, I hugged him and held him tight. I wanted to say something but, I was suddenly so overwhelmed with emotion...

"Jagiya..." He said, all breathless and smiley

"Shhh... just breathe." I hushed him, pulling back and holding the oxygen up to his face.

The rest of the boys gathered around, all simultaneously taking part in the oxygen. The staff, all fawning over them, making sure they were okay. We were all congratulating eachother, hugging eachother—it felt amazing.

Namjoon breathed deeply.

"You... you did so—! You guys were unbelievable. Thats not even a good enough word. I don't have any words for it..."

He couldn't stop grinning. He didn't need to say anything at all.

"Bangtan on three!" The stage manager said "Everyone did great, and we'll do it again in two days. Bring it in! I wanna see everyones hands. Hana, dul, ses!"

(One, two, three!)

"BANGTAN!"

* * *

**Namjoon's Point of View**

Still on that post-concert high, we all went out afterwards—ordered soju shot after soju shot until we were all pretty drunk. I was so fucking happy, I could barely contain myself. Ivy had barely stopped smiling all night, and I was loving it. Seeing her in her element tonight, getting to have her watch us perform for the first time... it was almost too perfect.

I was still jittery about the date that I'd planned for the next day.

I just hope she has fun.

I was worried that what I picked is too boring. Or maybe... aishh... will she not like that I chose everything? Maybe I should have made her part of the process—

"Joon-ah?" I heard her voice say "Jooooon-ah! What's going on in that big brain of yours?"

"Just thinking, jagiya. Don't worry about me."

I was walking her up to her hotel suite, dreading spending the night away from her.

"You never want anyone to have to, do you?" She asked

I shook my head.

"Because I'm always okay."

"No one is always okay." She said "Just know that if you need to talk for any reason at all, I'm here."

Hearing her say that made my heart so full.

"I don't... I don't want to be alone tonight." I admitted "I wanna stay with you... if thats okay?"

Earlier, I thought that I'd want to go back to my room, decompress and pass out. Alone. That's usually what I do post-concert. I would just say goodnight and see Ivy in the morning for our date... but I couldn't shake the fact that the closer it came to our night ending, the more I didn't want it to.

_I can't tell if that makes me sound selfish, or what?_

Her gorgeous smile reappeared.

"Why wouldn't it be okay?" She asked as she turned to open the door

"Aigoo... I don't know. I don't wanna make you feel smothered, I guess?"

We entered her suite. Ivy tossed her bag onto a table near the door and kicked off her shoes.

"Definitely not. If I needed space, I'd let you know. Being with you is... easy for me. Its—"

"Effortless? At least thats how I feel about being around you." I said

"Thats the perfect word, actually." She replied

We spent another hour or so talking before bed. The more I let her in, the more vulnerable I get with her, it seems like she matches me—allowing me to know deeper things about herself. I hadn't been this real with a girl in a looong fucking time. I'd had a lot of casual relationships with women since our debut 4 years ago, just superficial stuff.

Nothing like this.

Ivy only knew a few things about BTS before she got this job. Its not like she was ARMY, so she didn't really know anything about me beforehand.She's actually organically getting to know me. Not based off of things she's seen in interviews, not based off of my past performances... just me as I am.

The real Kim Namjoon.

I haven't had this happen yet.

* * *

I woke up early the next morning to go back to my suite and get ready for our hike—I was nervous as hell, I couldn't stop fidgeting.

I went to meet Ivy downstairs after a short peptalk from Jin.

_Well, it was more like Jin just telling me not to be nervous and it not working._ _Then he got frustrated._ _I love him for trying though 😅_

"Oh! I shoulda mentioned this yesterday." Ivy said on our way out "Well, two things actually—One, I got that second book we talked about, the one we said we'd scrapbook in."

"You did?! Taebak—I brought my camera too." I said, proudly holding up my camera bag "We'll get some cool shots today for sure. Whats the second thing?"

(Awesome)

"I got us a car for the day. Do you wanna drive or should I?"

My neck suddenly got hot.

_Ah, shit._


	15. Laughing at Gravestones

_“you may not have been_

_my first love,_

_but you were the love_

_that made all of my other loves irrelevant.”_

_\- rk_

* * *

**Ivy's Point of View**

"I, uh..." He began awkwardly "Aishh..."

He scratched the back of his head.

_Whats his deal?_

"Joon-ah? Mohae?" I asked, curiously

(Whats up?)

"Okay, the thing is—I actually don't have my license."

_What?!_

"Jinjja?"

(Really?)

"Yeah... Heh." He replied sheepishly

"Well—thats okay! I honestly should've asked if you could even drive first. Thats my bad. I don't mind driving."

"Nonono. Its fine." He said "I know, I know. I'm 25. I should definitely have my license by now, but—"

"Says who?!"

"Says me! Its kind of embarrassing..."

We headed out to the car, which was waiting for us in front of the hotel.

"If you don't mind me asking, is there a reason you don't have your license yet?" I asked "You're probably just too busy, right?"

"Uhm... not exactly. I'm actually the only member without a license." He admitted "Driving is scary! I'm too afraid of accidents."

_Awww..._

I started the car up and the engine purred to life.

"Let me ask you this: What would you say to an ARMY—" I paused to adjust the mirrors "—who was too afraid to do something?"

"Easy! I'd just tell them to believe in themsel—ah... algesseyeo."

(I see.)

"You know better than anyone that I completely relate to your anxiety. I almost hyperventilated in front of you in a fucking elevator." I laughed "But I really think that this is something you can overcome."

"You really think so?" He asked

"Mhmm." I hummed "Now, you're the navigator for today. So, where are we headed?"

* * *

The hike was gorgeous. It wasn't too long or difficult. We took a lot of pictures, we talked, we laughed... I couldn't have asked for it to go any better. Once we got to the top, we sat down on a flat rock to enjoy the view.

He took my hand, lacing our fingers together.

"Thanks for doing this with me." He said

"I would do this anytime, over and over with you." I replied

"Aigoooo, my heart." He laughed, clutching his chest

"You're corny." I laughed "Its cute though."

"Seeing a view like this.. it makes you feel so small, doesn't it?"

"Yeah... puts things into perspective." I said "My dad used to take me hiking around Namsan in Seoul when I was a kid. You know where that is?”

"I know exactly where that is! It looks over the Seoul city wall. Its beautiful there."

"It is. Well—it seemed like a hike when I was young, but its more of a long walk." I laughed

"Does your dad like hiking?"

"He did..."

I'd become really sensitive to Namjoon's energy, and I could sense that he knew something was off.

"Jagiya...?"

I took a deep breath.

_Didn't think we'd be going here this early on, but here we go..._

"I'll just tell you—my dad passed away before my mom and I came to the states." I divulged "And no, its not awkward for me to talk about. Its been a really long time."

The look of concern on his face was so genuine.

"I'm... I'm so sorry." He said "I had no idea."

"Its okay. I'm just glad I have the memories, you know?"

"Yeah... what happened? You don't have to answer if its too much."

"No, its alright. He ended up with a really aggressive kind of cancer. After he was diagnosed, he was gone in 3 months." I explained "I was young, so I didn't fully understand what was happening. I moreso saw what happened to my mom as a result. She's so strong, she really held it together for me. Thats why I admire her so much."

"Still, even though you were little, thats a difficult thing to go through." I said "You're strong too, and your mom sounds like an admirable woman... I'd like to meet her sometime."

_Did he just...?_

_Did he just ask to meet my mom??_

"When the tour stops in Jersey, if we have time, maybe I'll take you to meet her." I replied "Oh! And I can check on my plants."

_How did we do that?_

It never ceases to amaze me how casually we can talk about such serious things.

"And you can show me your plants!"

"I'm excited already." I beamed "Aigoo... we sound like two old people."

"Old people are cool as hell! What do you meannn?"

I laughed at his goofy expression.

"Wait a minute... you said your dad passed before you came to the states?" He asked "So he's buried in Korea?"

"Yep. Right in Seoul National Cemetery."

"...Do you want to go when we get there?" He asked

"If you go with me.”

_What did I just say!?_

He raised his eyebrows in surprise, so I panicked and started backtracking like a motherfucker.

"I-I know its a lot to ask, but... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have—"

He shook his head.

"You've got it. I'll be right there with you." He said

_He's too sweet. Just way too sweet._

"Aigoo... Now that I think about it—I don't even know where to look for his headstone." I admitted "That cemetery is huge."

"I'm sure we could look it up." He reassured me “Maybe your mom has an idea?”

I suddenly started to think about the reality of finding my dad's headstone and I started to laugh. I started to laugh even harder at Namjoon's reaction. His expression was so shocked and confused.

 _He was shook_ 🤣

"I—what?! Gwaenchanha?? Whats funny??" He panicked

(Are you okay??)

"I'm sorry!" I laughed, barely able to breathe "Its just... I'm picturing this sea of headstones with Hangul inscribed on them, and then my dad's just says 'Eric Richards'."

He clenched his jaw in an effort not to laugh with me.

"Its not—" He snickered "Its not funny!"

"Yes it is!" I laughed "Sorry if this is weird to laugh about—emotional trauma kind of leaves you with a fucked up sense of humor."

"Trust me. I know. Why do you think I’m so funny?”

“...You aren’t though.” I joked

“HEY!”

It was in that moment, as we both were at the top of this hiking trail, laughing at this particular subject that I realized... He's really special. I know this is an odd way to come to this conclusion, but whatever. I'm an odd person.

_Fuck._

_I'm falling for this kid. Hard._

* * *

_Our day in photos._

_We put these in our book._

(omg we are so lame - Ivy)

(captions by RM =.=)

_my hiking outfit hehe~_   
  


_breakfast~_   
  


_“pleaaase let me take one of you with this piece”_

_not sure what is a better view_

_her, or the art we saw today ^.^_


	16. Bravery

“ _there will always be_

_room for your hand_

_in mine_.”

* * *

Our date ended with a trip to an ice cream place in Little Tokyo.

"Joon-oppa?" I said just as he was about to tear into his Matcha soft-serve.

"Hmm?"

"Who's Runch Randa?"

He sucked his teeth.

"Aishhh... how do you know about that?!"

(Uuughh)

"Oh! Jimin texted me about an hour ago and told me to ask you that." I said "I just forgot about it til now."

"Of course he did." He sighed "Aigooo... my brothers are out to sabotage me."

"That may be true but—who or what is Runch Randa?"

"Its me. I'm Runch Randa. Its my old rap name from before I was even a trainee at BigHit." He explained "Back when I was in the underground scene. I actually used to battle rap.”

"What?! You did?”

"Sure did. I was deep in khiphop."

"Thats so fucking cool! I could kinda tell by your flow. Tell me you have videos. PLEASE tell me you have videos."

"I do—hold on." He muttered "Aish... you know I must really like you to wanna embarrass myself like this."

"You really must." I laughed

He scrolled through his phone for a while until he landed on something that made a big smile appear on his face.

"HA! Ibwa!" He exclaimed

(Here!)

He handed me the phone. On the screen, I recognized a young, no-less dimply, Namjoon and a few other boys.

"How. cute. were. you???" I gushed "...Did you have a perm?"

I started cackling at his frizzy ass hair.

"Fuck oooofff!" He laughed "Aigooo... I thought I was so cool back then."

"How old are you in this?" I asked, with a mouthful of Matcha ice cream.

"I think maybe 15 or 16."

As I listened to the song, I really got to hear how good he was at such a young age and how much he's improved. His image was totally different back then—it was pretty raunchy. His lyrics, his style... so opposite from the prince-like image he had now.

"I love this." I said "Its so different from BTS' music. Its raw."

"Hah... I like that you love it. Honestly, thats actually been one of the hardest things about becoming an idol..." He said, his tone of voice changed abruptly.

"Neh?"

(What do you mean?)

"...I get called a sellout a lot. Especially with the guys I came up with in the scene." He divulged "Going kpop makes you lose your 'roots' as they say... it makes you a sellout, makes you soft. Most of the people in khiphop don't fuck with me at all anymore."

I furrowed my eyebrows in disgust.

"What? Are you serious? ...None of them were even happy for you at all?"

My heart broke for him.

"Maybe a few? But mostly no... They didn't even think I'd make it this far."

"But look at you now!" I said, attempting to cheer him up

He gave a small smile.

"Thats still awful though." I continued "I can't believe they didn't show you any support...That must've been really hard."

"It was. I was a lonely for a long time. I even quit being a trainee a couple of times, but I ended up going back. I missed my friends and I kept wondering if I made the right choice."

"...Do you ever wonder what your life would have been like if you came up as a rapper from that scene instead of taking the idol route?" I asked

"I used to think about it alot... sometimes it still crosses my mind. I'm really grateful for everything that I've accomplished with BTS, everything I've tried and everything thats come out of it. I focus on that instead... I try not to dwell on the past too much."

"You shouldn't. And you should be really proud of yourself..." I said "If you don't mind me asking, what made you stay with BigHit?"

"Bang PD promised me I could keep writing my own music. Granted, I had to switch my flow up and tone it down a little as time went on, but as long as I could have that—I said I'd stay and see it through."

"As long as you could maintain some form of your artistry, you were willing to put everything else behind and take a chance on you..." I thought aloud "Damn... that's actually really brave, Joon-ah."

His cheeks flushed a cute shade of rosey pink.

"Gomawo..." He mumbled, shyly "I never really thought of it as brave before."

(Thank you...)

"Chunmaneyo."

(You're welcome.)

He suddenly pressed his soft lips to mine—sweet from the Matcha ice cream. He leaned back and gazed at me afterwards.

"Jagiya, what are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking... a lot of things. About this day, this past week. _You_.

"Me??" He asked innocently, his eyes wide

"Yes, you!" I laughed, playfully rolling my eyes

"What about me?"

I took a deep breath.

"Do you think we're rushing things?" I asked

"I think we know we're going a little fast." He laughed "Its not normally my way of doing this, but our situation is unique. We're together every day because of work. Things were bound to speed up because of that."

"I guess thats true... I've just never—I know I keep saying this and it sounds cliche or whatever, but I really have never felt this before." I said

"I feel exactly the same way. I'm trying not to worry too much. We're going at our pace. IvyNam pace? JoonIvy pace? Hmm, IvyJoon?"

"Shutup!" I giggled "What am I gonna do with you?"

"Keep me, I hope."

* * *

I once again found myself, the other stylists, and some of the tour crew members hanging out in Jungkook's suite that night. I was lost in my iPad, sketching away, making sure I had all my shit together for the second show.

"IvyIvyIvy!" Jungkook came up to me, practically jumping up and down

"Hmm?"

I noticed he was obviously hiding something behind his back.

"Ta-da!" He beamed, revealing a bottle of Merlot "Wine! Sorry for drinking all of yours last night. Aiishh... I paid for it with the headache I had this morning."

"Jungkook-ah! I was kidding. You didn't really have to replace it!"

"He totally should have though!" Yoongi called out from across the room "And youuu should crack it open so we can all have some!"

That's exactly what we ended up doing.

* * *

Namjoon and I actually turned in kinda early. We were both pretty tired. I found myself in a place I was getting to be pretty familiar with—his bed and his arms.

"Aigooo... I'm so busy all day tomorrow, jagiya. I won't really be able to see you until nighttime."

Its adorable to me that he worries about that.

"Joooon-ah! Its okay." I laughed "I understand. You've gotta get ready for the second show, right?"

He nodded.

"The other stylists and I have some plans in the afternoon, and then I have to pick up a few more pieces for you and Tae to go through for Chicago."

"Hmm, you'll be too busy to miss me, huh?"

"Probably." I replied, jokingly

"Very funny!" He said sarcastically "Uh, also... I had... I had an amazing time today."

"Me too. Thanks for taking me out on 'real' date. I had fun. Even though you've done so much for me in the past few days... I like that it was important to you to do that. It means a lot."

I placed a hand on his cheek, and looked up into his eyes.

"I'm glad. I was so nervous you wouldn't have a good time, or maybe you'd think I was lame or something? I don't know." He admitted shyly, but fell silent after a moment "I could look at you forever, you know that? You're so..."

"So what?" I asked quietly

"Gorgeous." He whispered

We melted into a kiss. Every time I kiss him like this, it gets harder and harder to stop myself. Feeling him like this, against me—how strong he is, yet how gentle he can be...

_I just feel so much for him.Most of the feelings are ones I don't fully understand._

_Its overwhelming._

His teeth bit at my bottom lip, taking me by surprise at first, but it ended up only drawing me in more.

"Jagiya..." He whispered between kisses "I can't stop."


	17. Just Go With Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!! WARNING !!!  
> This chapter contains smut (Adult content) 18+ ONLY!

* * *

Our kisses became more hurried and desperate. I took the liberty of slipping his t-shirt over his head, revealing his beautifully toned torso. His hands began to wander my body, caressing me in all of the right places. His soft kisses trailed down my neck, becoming nibbles and eventually bites.

"Your body is so beautiful. You're so soft..." He said, his voice quivering.

Our legs were tangled together and I could feel how hard he was against my inner thigh. I reached down and wrapped my hand around it, feeling how big he was through his sweats. He throbbed against my hand.

"Hah...Mmnn..." He moaned in that deep and absolutely gorgeous voice of his "Baby, you don't have to—"

"Shh..."

"Aniya... Ivy, I'm not gonna be able to...Mm... control myself if you keep going." He was struggling to speak

(No...)

I looked up at him and bit my lip.I loved seeing him like this.

"Whats with that look? You're liking this, aren't you?" He asked, a devilish smirk on his handsome face "Ahh... Is having me like this making you wet, jagiya?"

"I..."

"What do you want?" He asked "Tell me..."

"I can show you better than I can tell you."

I started to slowly pull his sweats down, releasing him from his confinement.

 _Fuck_.

His cock was perfect, not that I expected anything else. I scooted myself down to his waist and began to stroke him slowly.

" _Hah_..." He moaned "Is that what you wanted?"

I nodded

"Kiss it." He commanded softly

I began to place kisses all over his smooth length, craving him more and more with each one. He was writhing above me, loving every second of it. I slowly took him into my mouth, feeling how he reacted against my tongue, pushing him all the way to the back of my throat.

"Aishh.. _shit_..." He inhaled sharply "A-Ah! Aegiya..."

(Baby)

I was literally drooling for him. I was so eager to please him.

"Joha... _Fuck_..." He breathed "You like doing this, hm?"

(It feels so good...)

I sped up a bit, but he stopped me and suddenly placed his hand on the back of my head.

"You wanna be a good girl for me?" He teased

I struggled to nod with my mouth still full of him—quivering at his every word.

"Mm..." He hummed

He began to thrust his hips forward, slowly fucking my face. He was testing how far he could put himself down my throat.

"Nonono. Don't close your eyes. Keep those pretty eyes open. Look at me while I... _hah_... while I do this to you..."

I obeyed his every command.

He switched to Korean, which was fucking ruining me.

"You're so good, babygirl..." He whispered weakly "I can't take anymore, _please_... I'm gonna..."

His breathing became shallow, and his pace sped up. I was a mess. Coughing, gagging, eyes tearing up... but I didn't want to stop.

"You're so beautiful... _ah_ , joha... I'm gonna— _fuck_ —I-I'm cumming..."

His thrusts became sloppier and he tossed his head back, letting out a sexy, desperate groan as he came deep into my throat. I could feel him twitching as I drank all of it down.

He hurriedly pulled me up and held me close. I clung to him. His breathing was still heavy, and I could hear his heartbeat through his chest. We were both quiet for a while, allowing ourselves to come down from the frenzied energy of what had just happened. I listened as his breathing gradually slowed, as did mine.

"That was... You're dangerous, jagiya." He said "How do you know how to do that so well..?"

"I could ask you the same question about what you did the other night, Joon-ah."

"Aishh..." He replied shyly "Okay, you win."

"Thats what I thought." I laughed softly

"I... I don't even know what to say right now."

"You don't have to say anything." I said "We can just lay here."

He kissed my forehead.

* * *

The week flew right by without me even noticing it. The flight to Chicago was muuuch better than my flight to LA, I was so much more relaxed. Well, mostly because I hung on to RM for dear life throughout most of it.

We arrived in Chicago, our second city on the tour, and were getting ready for the first show there.

As I spent more time with the boys, I really got a glimpse into how chaotic their lives were. Their schedule makes absolutely no fucking sense at all, some days they barely have time to breathe in between events. There were several restrictions placed on them—at times, I'm not even sure how they do it.

They don't always follow all the rules to a T, and I don't doubt that they have it way easier than a lot of kpop idol groups, but still. They're highly critical of themselves as well, they watch and rewatch every performance they have, no matter how small. They're always looking for ways to improve.

Learning all of these things about them and about their lives really helped me see and understand Namjoon better.

Speaking of which—

Namjoon and I were growing closer and closer by the day. I was really building a bond with the rest of the guys too. They were slowly becoming like the brothers I never had.

For the first time in a long time, everything in my life was actually going okay. I didn't really have any complaints.

 _Maybe I shouldn't have said that out loud_ 🤣

"Ivy-noona!" I heard Jimin's voice call out "Namjoon-ssi!"

We were all beginning to crowd around a conference room table. We were about to have a staff meeting the night before the show. Jimin was waving us over, pointing to 2 seats near him.

We always use the "night-before" meetings to go over any last minute details or changes, talk about the plan for the rest of the week and any other issues anyone might have. The styling team and I went over a wardrobe change from the LA shows—the boys really wanted to do something flashier and more coordinated.

_I don't know,_

_I guess they were feeling extra._

They had gotten really into this Kith x Versace collab that had just dropped. So we all got together to figure out new accessories and other elements so they could add clothes from the collection in.

"Aigoooo. You guys and these shirts." I griped jokingly

"Yeah, why the sudden change?" Gem, one of the other stylists added

"Hey! We look really good in these!" Jin defended "Especially me."

Namjoon playfully rolled his eyes. We were doing a mock try-on of the outfits later that night. I was trying to focus on adjusting his collar, but he was making it incredibly difficult by making all of these cute faces at me.

"Stoooop!" I whined "I'm working!"

"I can't help it. You look so cute when you're focused."

"Gamsamnida, oppa." I replied shyly

(Thank you)

"Namjoon-ssi is preventing staff from doing their jobs!" Jin joked "He should be terminated immediately."

"I can't help it!" Namjoon defended

"Taehyung, come here really quick?" I shouted

He jogged over and I fixed the way his shirt was tucked.

"Perfect." I said proudly as me and the rest of the stylists stood back to take a look at everyone"You guys actually look pretty damn good."

"Of course we do!" Hoseok exclaimed with a big grin on his face.

"Oh! Its way past dinner time." Yoongi chimed in "We didn't even decide what we wanted."

"BARBECUUUUE!" Jungkook shouted

"Jungkook-ssi, don't you think thats too greasy for the night before a show?" Namjoon asked

"Ah. I didn't think about that." He realized "Hmm..."

"We could just hang out here instead of going out. Maybe we can make some ramyeon?" I suggested "We have a ton of it."

"Now thats what I'm talking about." Jimin beamed

* * *

After dinner, Namjoon kept bugging me about going up to the roof. The roof being the hotel's rooftop. He kept saying he wanted to show me something up there, but I didn't understand what he was talking about.

_We had already been up to the roof to see the view when we got here??_

It wasn't until Taehyung nudged me and quietly said:

" _Just go with him, trust me_."

Then I changed my tune.

Namjoon and I separated from the group and headed a few floors up from where we were. He held my hand the whole way, keeping this cute but mischievous smile on his face. He was being all secretive and evading my questions.

When he swung the rooftop entrance door open, I instantly saw why he'd been so eager to get up there.

My jaw dropped.

Over by the balcony, there was a flannel picnic blanket on the ground, a bottle of wine and two glasses sat on top of it. There were little white lights strung all around, casting a warm, ambient glow onto the space—all under the stars.

_Did he do this? Why? Why is he like this??_

"I—Joon-ah..." I said, my voice trailing off "Ige mwoya?"

(Whats this?)

"Its for you, of course. Come on."

In a slight state of shock, I followed him over to the cozy display. We sat down on the soft blanket that was laid out. I watched as he cracked the open the bottle of Bohae wine and poured the deep red liquid into two glasses.

"Oppa... Did you do all this by yourself?" I asked

"Ne!" He said as he handed me a glass "Well, I had a little help from Taehyung."

(Yep!)

I was so overwhelmed. I was really enjoying my time getting to know him. I was still a bit worried about our situation at times, but he did his best to keep my mind off of it and reassure me. I guess, even though its waaay too fucking late for this, I still don't want to admit to myself just how attached I am to him.


	18. A Bad Feeling

* * *

"This is... this is so sweet. I-I don't even know what to say." I said, flustered "Why did you...?"

"I've always wanted to do something like this with someone special. A nighttime stargaze." He began "But, since we can't get out of the city to see the real stars right now, I figured these lights could work."

I was at a complete loss for words while I gazed up at him as he spoke. The way the golden glow from the lights looked against his skin was mesmerizing.

“Aigoo... I don’t know if I did too well, but—“

"Joon-ah. Stop it. This is amazing.” I reassured him “You always go to so much trouble for me..."

"Doing things for you is never any trouble. Plus! Its also a celebration."

"Oh? What are we celebrating?" I asked

"Our second city together."

A big dimply grin appeared on his face.

"I... You're so—this is beautiful. Thank you." I stuttered "I know thank you isn't enough...”

"Its plenty. Seeing you look at me like that is even better, jagiya."

AH!!

"You're gonna send me to an early grave if you keep saying stuff like that." I joked "Can we toast?"

"Araseo." He said, raising his glass to mine "And what would you like to say?"

(Alright)

I took a deep breath.

"I'd like to say that... getting stuck in that damn elevator with you might have been the best thing thats ever happened to me??"

We both laughed.

"I'm with that, I'm with that." He said

"Aaand, I'd like to say... its been a really long time since I've been able to talk to someone the way that I can talk to you. I'm really grateful for that, and... for you."

"Ah! Ivy-ya..." He said timidly, looking down at his feet

"Don't get all shy yet, I'm not done!" I giggled "I've been thinking a lot lately... about this, about us. And I want you to know something; whatever happens between us, whether this becomes something and lasts, or if it ends.."

"Hey... geuleohge mal hajima—"

(Don't say that)

"Just... just listen. No matter what happens with us, you can call me day or night, halfway across the world, wherever you are—if you need me, I'll be there for you. No questions asked, okay?"

His eyes softened, and the worry that was painted on his face seemed to melt away.

"Can I make you that same promise?" He asked

"Geureom-yo."

(Of course)

"Jagiya, just as grateful as you are for me—I am for you. You’ve become someone so special to me in such a short time. And you have to know that I _do_ intend on this becoming something, and I intend for it to last. We... we have something that I don't want to lose. Alright?"

I nodded.

"Cheers?" He said

"Cheers."

We clinked our glasses before both taking a sip from them.

"Iliwoseyo." He said with a grin

(Come here)

I loved the feeling of him pulling me in, keeping his hand on the small of my back. We smiled into a sweet kiss, sweet like the black raspberries mulled for the wine.

"You are full of surprises, Joon-ah." I said quietly

"I'm glad you like my surprises though. I always worry you won't!"

”Well, cut that out!” I laughed 

I turned around and leaned my back against his chest. He reflexively wrapped his strong arms around me.

_I feel so safe with him..._

Its such an odd feeling because I rarely feel safe anywhere.

"So, how are you feeling about the show tomorrow? You ready?"

"I feel pretty damn good about it, actually. I think ARMY's gonna go crazy for the outfits—by the way— thank you for working so hard to get those together for us! I know we were kinda last minute..."

"It was nothing. The other stylists and I were just happy to be able to help. You guys looked great. Especially you."

"Oh, especially me, huh?" He teased

"Yes. Whatever, shutup!" I laughed

* * *

The next day was chaos as usual. To add to it, everyones spirits were down because the weather was absolute ASS. 40 degrees and raining. The boys were really worried about the fans being out in the cold and about themselves. The top of the stadium is open, meaning that they'd have to perform on a wet stage. But, they would do anything for their fans, and were taking any precautions to make it as safe as possible.

Because Namjoon is the leader, a lot of the burden in situations like these falls on him. Even though everything is mostly taken care of by the staff, he seems to carry the weight of all the responsibilities. He was busy all morning and into the afternoon—running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

I couldn't get ahold of him. So, I made a plan. Basically, I was just gonna hide behind one of the pillars backstage and grab him when he walked by.

_Genius, amirite?_

I saw him coming, so I hid. Riiight as he was passing, I reached out and grabbed his arm, pulling him behind the pillar with me—Earning a loud, but rather funny noise to come from him.

"GAH!" He yelped "What the hell?!... Oh, jagiya—mohae?"

(Whats up?)

His face was lined with worry. I hated that.

"Hey... I've been trying to get in touch with you all day."

"Aishhh. Mianhaeyo, jagiya. Its just... this rain is really fucking everything up, and everyone is asking me questions. I'm still trying to figure out what we're gonna do—"

(Dammit. I’m sorry, babe.)

"I'm not upset, Namjoon-ah." I said "I just wanted to check in with you to make sure you don't get too overwhelmed. Look at me."

His intense, crescent-moon-shaped eyes instantly fixed upon me. I placed both hands on his cheeks.

"When I get anxious, what do you make me do?" I asked

"I make you breathe with me."

I nodded.

"Thats what we're gonna do. Ready?" I asked "In..."

His eyes closed gently and he drew back a deep breath.

"And out..."

"Can we do one more?" He asked

_He must really be feeling pretty bad..._

I nodded

We repeated the steps again. He opened his eyes and smiled at me, nearly stopping my heart mid-beat.

"Who's world am I in again? I forgot..." I joked

"RM's." He chuckled

"And who's the best rapper-slash-leader in the game, who can do anything he puts his mind to?"

He grinned again.

"Me." He said "You know how to bring me back, don’t you?”

“Mhmm.” I hummed proudly

He gave me a quick kiss. I could tell something was still off, he doesn't hide his emotions well when it comes to his face.

"Oppaaaa." I groaned "Whats going on? You need to try to calm down.”

"I just have a bad feeling, you know? Like somethings gonna go wrong. I can't shake it."

"Even if something does go wrong, we'll deal with it when it happens. Stop taking on all the burden. You have a whole team of people that have your back. Not to mention your fans."

"I know, I know. You're right. Thanks, babygirl." He said sweetly "I've gotta go, I'll text you in a bit—or I'll run into you? Whichever happens first."

"Okay. Remember what I said."

"I will!"

He jogged off but turned around and blew me a kiss before he disappeared around the corner.

* * *

That evening, the show started off just fine—despite the cold and the rain, we all teamed together to try to make this work. The stage crew went out and got these huge heated fans that were helping dry the stage quickly. Stagehands were also our there drying the stage physically as often as they could

Everything was going smoothly... until after what must've been the 7th song. I was coming back from the bathroom when I heard a bunch of commotion. A small crowd of people in a frenzy were making their way down from the stage. 2 of the people in the group were medics, and in the middle, I noticed Namjoon towering over everyone.

He was wincing.My heart jumped and immediately started to race.

_What the fuck happened??_

The 2 medics sat him in a chair nearby.

"Ivy-ya. Get Ivy." I heard his voice say

_Wait, what is he doing??_

He's gonna make everything about us more obvious if he asks for me like that. We were already really, really pushing it. Even though I wanted nothing more than to run over there to see what was wrong, my brain was already a swirling sea of anxiety.

One of the medics looked back at me, he began motioning for me to come over.

 _Fuck_.

It felt as if we were always being pulled together by some unseen magnetic force.

"Ah!” Namjoon cried out in pain

_I can't just stand here._

"Hey!" I called out as I walked over "What happened?”

I kneeled down next to him as the medic began to apply ice packs to his wrist.

"Aishhh..." He muttered through clenched teeth "I slipped and I tried to use my hand to break my fall. I came down really hard on it."

I looked at his wrist, it was already starting to swell.

"Can you move it at all?" The medic asked

"I'm sure I can. Its probably fine."

"Go ahead and give it a try."

He gave me a worried glance before looking back down at his wrist. He slowly began go bend his wrist upward, his jaw was clenched so tightly that I was certain it would break.


	19. Worries and The Bean

“ _whatever causes night in our souls,_

 _may leave stars_.”

\- vh

* * *

"Hmmm..." Namjoon hummed, clenching his jaw in pain "Nan gwenchana..."

(I'm fine...)

"Rapmon-hyung!" I heard JungKook's voice call out "Museun irya?!"

(What happened?!)

"Byeol keo eopseoyo." He replied, still wincing in pain

(Nothing, its not serious.)

"He's hurt." I said to Jungkook

" _Ivy_." Namjoon snapped

_Uh, who the hell is he talking to?_

"You _are_." I snapped back at him "Just take two minutes, okay? A two minute break."

"Please, you should." The medic suggested "Let the ice sit on it, I'll tape it up for you and you can get back out there for the next set."

"Please, Namjoon-ssi." Jungkook pleaded "Just ice it for a bit."

I know how much he hates showing this side of himself to his bandmates. He always wants to be professional and seem like he can handle anything, he'd rather worry about everyone else than himself.

He sighed.

"Araseo, araseo." He conceded

(Alright, alright.)

"Ivy-ya. Mianhamnida. This is just frustrating."

(I'm sorry.)

"Just focus on icing your wrist." I replied flatly

"It could've been a lot worse. I'm just glad its not my ankle or my knee or anything like that." He said

"We'll all slow down." Hobi's voice chimed in as he walked in "We're all getting so into it, we're forgetting about the rain. You alright, Namjoon-ah?"

"I will be. Okay, tape it." He said to the medic

The medic quickly wrapped up his wrist with a black bandage. Namjoon slowly wiggled his fingers around, the look on his face as he did so didn't instill a boatload of confidence.

"Alright, we still have a show to do. This'll be okay for now." He said as he stood up

I fixed his shirt and reseated his mic. I took a moment to fix his hair a bit as well, all the while he kept his eyes fixated on me.

He suddenly leaned down closer to me. His voice low in my ear.

"Pay attention to my part in this next song, okay?"

I eyed him suspiciously.

"Okay...?"

"Don't look like that!" He chuckled "Listen, please?"

"If you promise to be careful with your wrist, I will. Take it easy." I warned

"Deal."

Admittedly, I was still pretty fucking annoyed that he snapped at me like he did. But, I didn't want to stress him out more, I wanted him to finish the show, so I decided to drop it for now.

_I'll just be pissed later._

* * *

I payed attention to the next song like he asked me to, listening carefully to his part.

It was "Run".

넌 내 하나뿐인 태양 세상에 딱 하나

널 향해 피었지만 난 자꾸 목말라

너무 늦었어 늦었어 너 없이 살 순 없어

가지가 말라도 더 힘껏 손을 뻗어

( _You're my sun, the one and only in this world._

_I bloom for you, but you make me thirsty_

_It's too late, too late._

_I can't live without you._

_Even if I'm drying out, I try harder to reach you_.)

I got goosebumps from those words in his deep, honey-sweet voice, echoing through the stadium.

_Dear Kim Namjoon,_

_you're ruining me._

_Love, Ivy._

* * *

**Namjoon's Point of View**

After the show, and a whole lot of convincing, they all finally got me go to the ER to have my wrist x-rayed. It ended up only being a sprain, but a pretty bad one. The hospital gave me a brace, some pain meds, told me to rest and sent me on my way.

We had another show the next day, so there wasn't really gonna be time for me to rest it at all. 

If I’m being honest, I felt like shit. Not just because my wrist hurt, but because I hate making people worry about me. Its one of my character flaws—probably my worst one.

Ivy was sitting beside me in the car on the way back, quietly scrolling through her phone. The glow from the screen cast onto her pretty face and illuminated her big curls. I placed my hand on her thigh and gave it a light squeeze.

"I promise—after tomorrow, I'll take the whole week off until the New Jersey show to rest."

"Joa."

(That’s good)

I still feel like I upset her, or maybe I disappointed her? She'd been pretty quiet since we left the venue, except for a couple of questions she asked at the hospital.

_Its really getting to me._

"Whats wrong? You've been kinda quiet..." I noted

"...We'll talk when we get back to the hotel, okay?"

_Talk?I... what is this feeling?_

My stomach was suddenly in knots.

* * *

As soon as we got to my suite, I headed straight for the shower. I always need a long one after a show... it's usually when I start to realize how fucking exhausted I am from performing. Tonight was no different. My wrist only added insult to injury, and so did the fact that I was really worried about what Ivy had to say.

_What could she want to talk about? I know I probably pissed her off earlier._

I wracked my brain going over all the things I'd done in the last few days, over analyzing things I'd said...

When I got out, I changed and went to go look for her. After a few seconds of searching, I found her sitting in the window seat. It was my favorite part of the room. A big bench seat with pillows, and a huge floor-to-ceiling window with a beautiful view of Chicago.

She sat there peacefully gazing out of it. The glow of the city lights below merged with the night's dense fog, bathing the dark room in a soft blue light.

"Ivy-ya...?" I said quietly as I sat down across from her

"Hm? Oh—" She said "I got this for you."

She held up a small ice pack wrapped in a towel. She gently placed it on my wrist and held it in place.

"Ah, gamsamnida.”

(thank you.)

"Anytime."

"...Jagiya, whats going on?”

She turned to look out of the window once more, taking her time before she replied.

"I guess I'm just feeling kind of confused after tonight."

"What about?"

"...Mola. The same shit I'm always confused about. I know you keep reassuring me and telling me everything is fine, but when you called me over earlier after you got hurt... that was really reckless." She divulged "I wanted to be there for you, of course—but you need to be careful. Calling your stylist, of all people, by name when you're hurt? Asking for her? Its gonna make people suspicious.”

(Mola = I don’t know.)

I hated that she was feeling that way. I hated even more that... she was partially feeling like that just because she wanted to protect me.

Sometimes, only sometimes—I really don't like that this is how my life is. Sometimes I just wish things were normal for me.

"We already do way too much in front of staff." She continued "And I'm guilty of it too—I just don't want you to get in any kind of trouble, and like I keep telling you: I don't wanna lose this fucking job... but I like you alot, oppa. It makes everything complicated."

She paused for a moment.

"Oh, yeah. You also didn't have to snap at me earlier." She added “What the hell was that?”

"Jagiya. Mianhamnida. I know I kinda put you into this situation. I've told you over and over that its okay, and in doing that, I undermined your feelings. I never meant to. The last thing I want is for you to feel like you’re not being heard."

(I’m sorry.)

Her expression was so sad, so conflicted—it was killing me.

_I would do anything to ease her mind._

"You have to trust me, okay? I trust the staff. I know this is difficult, new and uncomfortable for you. I acknowledge that. My life is weird. It's very different."

"What if Bang PD found out about me, then what?" She asked

"I'd tell him the truth. I told you I'm a partial owner of the company."

"I know... I’m sorry too. This whole thing just makes me really anxious. I'm not used to it. I don't know whats okay and whats not. I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

I took her hand in mine and brought it to my lips, kissing it softly.

"Thats my fault. I wasn't clear about that. Sometimes even _I'm_ still not used to it. If it ever gets to be too much, please jagiya, just tell me. If you have any questions, you can _always_ ask." I explained "And I'm sorry I got upset earlier... I was stressing out and I shouldn't have spoken to you like that.”

Our eyes met suddenly, and she gazed at me for a moment. I'm still always shocked by how beautiful she is.

"And...what about those lyrics? Your part in 'Run'. I listened like you asked."

"Did you like it?"

She looked away shyly.

"Yeah." She muttered quickly "So what about it?"

"Ah, joa! This other girl I'm into will be really impressed then." I joked

(Oh, good!)

"NAMJOON-AH!" She exclaimed, bursting into laughter

"Aigoooo... You're so cute." I gushed

"Shutuuup! Why do you insist on making me suffer, huh?"

"Its my favorite hobby, baby." I laughed "Can I kiss you now? Or are you still mad at me?"

"Hmm..." She pretended to be deep in thought "I’m not sure.”

"Ivyyyy-ya.” I whined "Jebal?"

(Please?)

"Mola..." She giggled "I'm kidding. Come here."

(I don't know...)

I moved so fast, pulling her close to me and kissing her.

"So," I said quietly as she rested her forehead against mine "Do you have any suggestions for our Chicago date?"

"Not a single one. You lead the way."

"There's nothing in particular you wanna see?" I asked

"Well, I've never been here. You have. So I thought you’d—OH! WAIT THERE TOTALLY IS!!"

"Ige mwoya??" I asked curiously

(What is it??)

"The bean!" She said excitedly "Isn't that giant bean here in Chicago?"

"Bean...? Ivy, gwenchana?"

(Are you feeling okay?)

"I'm fine! Oppa, you have to know what I'm talking about. That giant silver bean, you know?”

_Silver bean??_

_What the hell is she—?_

Then it came to me.

_Silver bean. She means the Cloud Gate._

"OH, The Cloud Gate! The Bean!"

"Yes! I wanna go there." She said happily

"Then I'd be happy to take you."


	20. Delete Me From the Earth

****

* * *

**Ivy's Point Of View**

The next day's show went off without a hitch—no more injuries, no rain, just another incredible show that I was a little too stoked to watch.

_I think I'm officially ARMY now 🤣_

I was pretty relieved that we were all off for the next 6 days though. I fully planned on resting, getting almost nothing done, then panicking at the last minute about everything that I should've done.

_Hey, I worked my ass off!I deserve a break._

I was hanging around Yoongi's room with Namjoon and Hobi after the show. They had converted the desk in his room into a makeshift studio where they were all half fucking around/half working on music.

"Ivy-ya." Yoongi said "Come listen to this!"

I walked over and he placed a pair of headphones on me. A smooth beat played out through the speakers.

"Joa." I said with a grin "Its fire."

(I like it)

"Gidarida..." He said

(Wait...)

Then, Namjoon's voice came in. Yoongi and Hobi busted out laughing.

"What?!" I asked

"Your face when you heard Rapmon-hyung's voice! Priceless!" Hobi giggled

"Aigoo!" Namjoon laughed "Quit teasing her!"

I opened my mouth to say something, but I was interrupted by my phone. It was going off pretty consistently for the last hour or so. I just wasn't really paying attention. I furrowed my eyebrows as I looked down at it.

_What the hell...?_

I had a ton of notifications—more than I had ever seen.

"Why are you blowing up right now?" Namjoon asked with a laugh

"I don't know. I didn't post anything."

I opened instagram, the source of all of the notifications. I had been tagged in what seemed like a hundred new posts, people were following me left and right—more and more by the second.

I started to get a little scared to find out why this was happening.

_Did I go viral? How? I don't do anything forreal._

I just hoped to god that it wasn't because of Namjoon. I was silently bargaining with the universe. BigHit does a really good job of shielding staff from the public eye, but obviously we live in age of smartphones, so of course things don't always go as planned.

"I keep getting tagged in some picture...?" I said, tapping the notification bell and scrolling down.

"Eoneu geot?" Namjoon asked

(Which one?)

I quickly found the source, but it left me with more questions than answers.

"Oh! Wait... this is just me at the airport." I said, puzzled

I pulled one of the posts up.

"You _do_ look gorgeous in these..." Namjoon noted

"Thanks, but...? I'm confused." I said "Whats the big deal?"

Hobi and Yoongi crowded around my phone too. Hobi began reading the caption aloud.

"Who is BigHit's curly haired beauty? OoooOoOoooOo!" He gushed as he read "Seen traveling with BTS lately, this unique and mysterious beauty is causing everyone to wonder who she is."

"A bunch of people tagged me in this and now everyone is following me! Shit..."

"Whats wrong with that?" Namjoon asked

"Get your clout!" Yoongi cheered

_Does no one else see the issue with this? Seriously. Is it just me?_

"Guys, this is bad. Now people will know who I am and that means they are one step closer to knowing about me and—"

"Thats not gonna happen. No way." Jin's voice echoed. He appeared a few seconds later with Jimin, Tae and Jungkook in tow.

"Noona! You went viral." Taehyung beamed with his big boxy smile

"Nooo! Like I just said: This is bad. Jin-ssi, what exactly makes you so sure that this isn't gonna blow up this entire thing?" I asked

"You and Namjoon-ah haven't been doing anything elaborate, you're always out with heavy security, and you know Bang PD is on top of the media coverage." He said

"Even though people know you work for BigHit now, I promise you theres a 99% chance things will be fine." Jimin comforted

"That 1% though..." Jungkook added

"JUNGKOOK!" We all exclaimed

"Hehe... mianhae, noona. Just trying to lighten the mood. Everything will be okay."

(sorry)

"Why would they only single you out though?" Taehyung asked "We work with a lot of girls."

"Because I'm the only non-Korean."

"But you are Korean." Jimin said

"Yeah, Black and Korean. I'm the only person who looks like me on the whole team. That's probably why they singled me out. They called me 'unique' or whatever."

"That doesn't feel racist, but it doesn't feel... good either." Yoongi noted, making a face

“Exactly. I don’t like that shit.” Namjoon added

"Welcome to my life." I said "Its no secret. I stand out. I'm 100% okay with that. Thats not what I'm upset about here."

"Do you know how much crazy shit we've done over the years that has never gotten out? We have connections." Taehyung said "You and rapmon-hyung have nothing to worry about."

"We promise." Hobi added

I was seriously not okay. I understood what they were saying and its not that I didn't believe them. Its just... hard for me to visualize this turning out alright.

_Maybe they're right, but what if they aren't?_

I didn't want to lose my job, and more importantly, I don't want to cause trouble for anyone. Especially not them... Not him.

"Guys, can we have a second?" Namjoon spoke up suddenly

They all nodded and retreated to a different part of the room. Namjoon turned to me, his handsome face painted with worry.

"Jagiya...? I know you're upset right now. What can I do to make this better?"

_Delete me from the earth._

"I don't know." I shrugged "My face and my name are out there now. I guess I just have to deal and see what happens."

I hated the look on his face.

I hated the awful feeling that was rising up in my chest. I hated the uncertainty of all of this—not knowing whats gonna happen, just throwing all my cards in the air and hoping for the best...

"I know I'm asking a lot of you by making you deal with all of this. I don't wanna hurt you. Its somewhat easy for me because I'm used to living this way... but its selfish of me to think this would be easy for anyone. If its too much, I... I would understand." The sadness in the deep sweet voice I'd grown to adore... threatened to break me.

"No..." That word flew out of my mouth with such desperation. The thought of losing him... it scared the shit out of me. The thought of not continuing to nurture whatever the hell this is between us... it made my chest hurt.

"I don't want you to do this if it makes you uncomfortable... or if it scares you." He said “I told you that the other day.”

"You want me to be honest with you, right?" I asked

"Of course."

"All of this does make me scared and uncomfortable. But I'm not going anywhere. Its just gonna take some... adjusting for me."

"I know. I know... I'm sorry."

"This isn't your fault, Joon-ah." I replied "Its no ones fault."

"I feel like it is. I dragged you into this."

"It take two people to tango, does it not? I'm just as involved as you are."

He took my hand in his.

"You're not gonna lose your job, you're not gonna cause me any trouble—if there's anything I can do about it, which there is. There will be no scandal. And you and I will continue on just like we have... okay?"

I nodded.

"You know we have your back too, Noona!" Taehyung called out

"All of us!" Jin added

I guess maybe I should just try to relax...?

I have to. What other option is there?

* * *

Well, let me tell you: I didn't feel too fucking relaxed as I sat in Jennifer Yoon's makeshift office the next morning. I had been called there via email with no reason, no explanation. I was just told that Jen needed to speak with me. Needless to say, I'd been in an out of one long and horrible panic attack all morning.

"Mrs. Yoon, is everything okay..?" I asked nervously as I sat across from her at her desk.

"Yes, just waiting for our other guest to join." She replied curtly

"O-Other guest?"

The door opened and in walked exactly who I knew this "second guest" would be. I pretended to be oblivious, just in case. He and I had been texting all morning about it. We got identical emails from Jen telling us to meet her here.

"Good morning. Sorry, I'm late." Namjoon said

"No, no. You're right on time." Jen said, taking a quick look at her watch

He glanced at me before taking the seat beside me.

Jen propped an iPad up on her desk, facing it towards the two of us. You could cut the tension in the air with a knife.

"Good morning, guys. I just wanted to touch base with you on a few matters." She said

I was so anxious I could barely focus.

_What? Just what the fuck is it?_

"It has come to my attention that pictures of you at the airport, Ivy, were leaked?" She said

"Yes..."

"Jen-ssi." Namjoon piped up "What is all this about? Why the secrecy?"

I could tell that he was annoyed and frustrated with this whole situation.

"I'm getting to that." Jen began "I know this may seem like an invasion of privacy, but this is business. So, I have to ask: is something going on between you two?"

Fuck.


	21. Tulips

“ _nothing thats worth it_

 _is easy_.”

* * *

I felt like I was going to pass out. I completely froze, my chest tightened beyond belief. I became completely unable to unscramble my thoughts enough to form any kind of response to Jen's question.

"If I say yes, what does that mean?" Namjoon challenged

_What does he think he's doing??_

"Well, thats the thing." Jen began "I think most of the staff knows that something is going on, which is fine. Its just a matter of it getting leaked to the press—"

"And why would there be a leak?" He prodded

Namjoon does this thing with his jaw when he's pissed. A constant clenching and unclenching, which I could see him doing out of the corner of my eye. I could tell he was desperately trying to be professional, but this situation was really fucking with him.

"Jen-ssi, forgive me, but I'm not understanding." He continued "This isn't the first time something has gone on between a member of BTS and the staff."

"Yes, but we've never been this close to a leak. Look, all I'm asking is for you to explain this to Bang PD. He needs to know whats going on so he can manage the press."

The incoming FaceTime ringer chirped out from the iPad. Jen answered it. And there, on the screen, appeared Hitman Bang himself.

"Ah, Namjoon-ah!" He said with a bright smile "Joeun achim."

(Goodmorning)

"Joeun achim, Bang-ssi." Namjoon replied flatly

"Okay, tell me whats going on—Oh, who's this?” He turned his attention to me

"Anyeonghaseyo, Bang-ssi. Jo neun Chae Ivy imnida." I said, nervously

(Hello... My name is Ivy Chae.)

"Anyeong. Ah, yes. You're the stylist causing all the fuss, right?" He asked with a chuckle

"H-Heh..."

_I'm fucking mortified._

"Bang-ssi, Ivy didn't do anything wrong." Namjoon said

"I never said anyone did! You're always worrying, Namjoon-ssi. Relax. Just tell me whats up."

Namjoon took a minute to explain to Bang that him and I are more than friends but not exactly dating yet.

_Its complicated enough._

I just sat there the whole time, scared out of my mind, hoping Namjoon could use that way he skillfully weaves words together to make this make sense.

"Well, now that the media has an idea of who Ivy is, you both just need to be extremely mindful of the situation. This can _not_ get out. I’ve told you that before, I’ve told all of the guys before.” Bang explained "Just handle everything professionally, which I'm sure won't be a problem for the two of you. Ivy-ya signed the NDA at the start of her contract, so she knows she can’t post about you.”

We both nodded.

"Ivy-ya, are you okay?" Bang asked me

 _No_.

"I'm just a little shaken up, but I-I’ll be fine."

"Namjoon-ssi is a good guy, he's like a son to me. He'll take care of you. BigHit will handle the press. I’m just reminding you that we take these matters very seriously." Bang said “Namjoon-ssi knows whats at stake.”

_At stake...?_

"Okay..."

He turned his attention to Namjoon.

"And you, are you okay?" Bang asked

"I will be when she is." He replied

 _Why does he have to say things like that?_ _Now I feel awful. I don't want him to feel bad._ _I don't want any of this shit to be happening._

Bang gave us another smile.

"You two keep your heads up. Don't worry about the press. I've got it handled. Jen-ssi, thanks for the info."

"You're welcome, Bang-ssi." Jen replied before ending the call

* * *

After that heart attack inducing meeting, I pretty much rushed out of the room. I know Bang said not to worry, just like everyone else, but the pressure of all of that was too much. I have to walk on eggshells as it is, now I have to be even more careful.

I couldn’t help but feel like that entire fucking meeting, no matter how sugar-coated it was, said: you’re on thin ice.

"Jagiya!" Namjoon called after me. I was already halfway to the elevator.

I turned around and he was already right there in front of me. He didn't wait for my reply, he didn't hesitate. He just pulled me into his arms and said nothing—he didn't have to. The way he held me seemed to say everything that needed to be said.

"You know I hate that you're doing all of this shit for me, don't you?" I asked

He nodded

"I just don't want your life to get anymore complicated than it already is because of me." I continued "I also know I'm probably overreacting and annoying you."

"Sul ma." He said "...You and me are okay, right?"

(Impossible.)

I looked up at him. He looked so worried that my answer would be "No”. To be honest with you, I wasn’t really sure. I can only keep swallowing my feelings about this for so long.

"Yeah, we're okay." I said quietly

I don’t know what I’m gonna do.

* * *

After a whopping two days off, and no further developments in my newfound instagram fame—well, other than gaining 10k followers in a day, and having to privatize my page per BigHit’s request. That post of me at the airport “magically” disappeared. And it seemed like whenever it would show back up, it disappeared again. It put into perspective just how much hold BigHit has over stuff like this.

However, the image couldn’t be _completely_ scrubbed. Who knows how many ARMY screenshotted it, or where it will end up.

 _Nothing left to do but hold in my never-ending panic until I eventually explode_ 🙃

We headed to our next stop on the tour. New Jersey. I was super hyped up about it because the stadium was only a few subway stops from NYC. I was hoping to have time to pop in and visit my mom, but with the way the schedule was looking, I wasn't sure that was possible.

It was back to long nights, hotel rooms, and the absolute chaos that is tour life—I was starting to love it.

* * *

* * *

It was the night of the show, and I was frantically running around backstage right before the guys went on.

" _MymicmymicmyMIC_!" Namjoon shouted in a panic

I caught it just before it went tumbling to the ground.

"Phew, what would I do without you?" He breathed

"Have a lot more broken shit than you already do." I laughed

"Ha-ha. Funny." He said sarcastically "Hey, uh, I wanna talk to you after the show tonight."

"About?" I asked curiously

"You'll find out later!"

"Jooooon-ah." I whined "I can't handle anymore uncertainty."

"He wants to—!" Jin began but Namjoon quickly covered his mouth with his hand.

_He wants to ask me what?_

_Wait, oh shit. No way._

_Unless...? No._

"Jin is suffering from pre-show dumbass-ness, please ignore him." Namjoon chuckled nervously

I turned my attention to Taehyung, who was cheesing like crazy.

"Taaaaeeee..." I began sweetly

"No, noona! My lips are sealed. I have nothing to say!"

He proceeded to act like he was zipping his lips.

"Fine, be that way." I sighed "Get to your positions. Go kill it."

* * *

Another amazing show was out of the way, and all of us went back to the hotel to eat and freshen up.

I had just taken my room key out of my bag when someone grabbed my shoulder.

"What the hell?!"

To my surprise, it was Yoongi. He was standing there with everyone... minus Namjoon.

"Guys?" I said suspiciously "Whats going on?"

"Shhh!" Jimin hushed me

They began pulling me along with them. They were all intermittently giggling like little schoolboys.

"Whats going on??”

"Can't you see we're kidnapping you?!" Jin asked

"We're taking you to see someone. Very important stuff." Taehyung said

_Uh, what??_

"Uh-huh... Namjoon eodisseo?"

(where is Namjoon?)

"He... w-well..." Hobi stuttered

We came to a stop right outside of Namjoon's suite. The door was already open.

_They're being sketchy as hell._

Suddenly, Jungkook pulled a flower from behind his back and handed it to me.

A white tulip.

"What is this for?” I asked

Then, Jimin handed me one.

Then Tae.

Yoongi.

Hobi.

and Jin.

My heart was beating out of my chest as a swarm of butterflies swirled around in my stomach. They all started nudging me towards the open door.

"Okay, okay—I'm going!"

Namjoon was standing in the walkway, in all his cozy glory—his favorite gray sweatsuit and a black beanie. His sweet dimples on full display.

"Oppa, ige mwoya?" I asked, completely unable to stop smiling

(whats this?)

"I'm getting to that! ...You're gonna call me corny for this, but I'm doing it anyway, okay?"

"Okay...?"

"If you noticed, I asked each of them to hand you a tulip." He said

I nodded

"A tulip can bend its stem to reach its light source. You, in this past month, have become like my light source."

_That is..._

_that is the most Namjoon thing he could've said._

_And its so cute._

"Does that make you my tulip then?"

"It does." He chuckled before continuing"Theres an excerpt from this poem I really like by Han Yong Woon, and it goes: ' _Others love my smile, but you also love my tears_.' Everything with us has happened so quickly, people may say its strange or that we're rushing. But this feels so right to me. You feel right to me."

I could feel a lump rising in my throat, and salty tears stung the corners of my eyes, threatening to fall.

So, of course, my traumatized ass started to laugh.

"I knew you were gonna laugh as soon as your eyes started watering! I knew it!" He laughed

_He knows me too well._

"Stop teasing meee! Keep going!"

"Ehem... I guess all thats left in my speech here is: Uri sagwillaeyo?"

(Will you be my girlfriend?)

I could the guys cheering behind me.

"You know my answer is yes, Joon-ah.”

I ran to him and he picked me up. I heard the rest of the guys going crazy in the background.

"Congratulations!" Jungkook rejoiced happily

"Deudieo." Suga chimed in

(Finally.)

"I knew this would happen first day we all met you.” Tae chuckled "Chukhahmnida!

(Congratulations!)

We thanked them and talked for a while.

Eventually, they all dispersed and went about their nights... leaving Namjoon and I alone in his room.


	22. For Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!! WARNING: This chapter contains 18+ Adult content !!!!

* * *

"I can't believe you went to all this trouble for me again..." I said quietly

"I keep telling you, its no trouble when it comes to you."

He kept me in his arms, holding me tight. After all of the absolute fucking craziness that we'd been through that week, it was nice to just be with him, to ignore any problems or issues going on. It was as if he made all my worries melt away.

He gave my neck a light kiss, it was so soft, so sweet—I almost lost my mind.

"So, I guess you're my boyfriend now, huh?" I asked innocently, still a bit in shock that I could actually call him that

"You said yes, so I guess I am." He laughed

I leaned back and looked up at him.

"Were you nervous?" I asked curiously

"Of course I was... Aigoo. Especially when you walked in."

"Aw... you're acting like you didn't know if I would say yes!"

"I didn't! You could've changed your mind about me."

"Never."

He had this familiar dreamy look in his eyes as he gazed down at me.

"You're gorgeous, you know? It doesn't matter how many times I look at you, my heart always goes into a tailspin whenever I do."

"Its no wonder you're a lyricist... you have the prettiest things to say, Joon-ah."

He smiled and kissed my nose.

"Can I tell you something...?" I said

"Anything."

_What I'm about to say is BOLD bold—but its the damn truth._

"I don't... I don't wanna wait anymore." I admitted

He raised an eyebrow.

"Wait?? Wait for wha—Oh." He said, his tone of voice changed as soon as he realized what I meant "Oh, you don't?"

I shook my head.

"Who am I to keep you waiting then?" He asked with a devilish smirk.

The kiss he gave me was so sweet, so tender. I desperately clung to him, overwhelmed with emotions. His lips were so irresistibly soft against mine.

Our hands wandered and caressed each other's bodies. I paid extra attention to his beautifully broad shoulders and chest. Moans threatened to escape my lips as he touched me more and more, undressing me as he went...

"Come here..." He breathed as he picked me up in one quick scoop, earning a giggle from me.

He walked me over to the bed and threw me down.

"Oh! Mianhae, was that too rough??" He asked

(Sorry)

"No— _ah_!"

He didn't give me time to reply, he attacked my neck and chest with an assault of kisses, driving me fucking wild.

"Jagiya... I'm sorry... I-I can't wait." He said, his deep voice peppered with desperation.

He pulled my sweats off and looked up at me with a dark smirk and a laugh to match.

"No panties?" He asked

I found myself flustered all of a sudden, my mind reeling from this sudden change in who he becomes when we get intimate.

"Sorry, oppa..." I replied innocently "I'll wear some for you next time."

"Ah, joa. You're such a tease. And you're so wet for me already... I missed this part of you so fucking bad..."

(Ah, good.)

His assault was slow and deliberate over my heat. He was such a master with his tongue and of this particular skill—moaning into me, knowing all the right motions.

Just as I was about to reach my climax... he stopped.

"N-No..." I whimpered

"Aw... you're so cute when you beg." He said lustfully "Just look at that face, aigoo..."

_He knows exactly what he's doing to me..._

"As much as I would love to do this all day," He paused to kiss my inner thigh "You told me you didn't wanna wait anymore, right?"

"Oppa..." I whined, on the edge of losing my sanity

"Be patient, jagiya." He chuckled "Stay just like that for me."

He reached for the nightstand and grabbed a condom, he hurriedly ripped the package open with his teeth. I watched him roll it on before he crawled on top of me.

I was absolutely writhing beneath him—I was a mess. He'd built up so much tension by leaving me the way he did, combined the anticipation of doing this with him for the first time.

He ran a hand up over my breasts, all the way until he arrived at my throat. He gave it a light squeeze.

"I'll be gentle, okay?" He whispered

"Not too gentle."

He smirked and kissed me once more

"Are you ready?"

I nodded.

He pushed into me slowly, as we both moaned in pleasure. He wanted me to feel every single inch of him.

"H-Hah..." I whimpered

"Joa... You're so tight..."

His breath shuddered.

I was struggling to adjust to his size, but he felt so fucking good. He started his motions gently, until he was sure I could handle him, then... it was like a switch flipped. He became rougher and rougher, thrusting directly into my g-spot, living for my every breath. I was in absolute ecstasy—a moaning, whimpering mess completely at his mercy. I could tell by the the look on his face that he loved it.

"Ah... jagiya..." He moaned, breathlessly "Joa-haeyo? Hm?"

(Does it feel good?)

"N-Ne..."

(Y-Yes...)

"Good girl... _shibal_!"

(fuck!)

I was already so close to climaxing again.

"Oppa... I'm gonna—"

He stopped again, pulling out of me, leaving me with the same agonizing feeling in my core, longing for him.

" _Joon-ah_!" I protested desperately "Jebal..."

(Please...)

"Ani, ani... You cum when I say so."

(No, no...)

"But—"

He quickly flipped my body over, putting me on my stomach. He guided my hips back towards him.

"Stick your ass out for me." He commanded

I did as he said.

"Further." He instructed "Ah... geogi."

(There.)

He was making me suffer on purpose. I heard him inhale sharply.

 _Is he touching himself while he watches me..._?

"Mm... Head down, aegiya. Arch your back."

(this word is kind of like baby? or babygirl?)

_Why is he...?_

_Why is he so lewd?_

_Why does it turn me on so bad?_

“You're hesitating. Jagiya, bukkeuleowo?" He chuckled "Putting yourself on display like this for me?"

(Are you embarrassed?)

He wrapped my hair around his fist, tugging on it slightly. He brought my head up and pressed his lips to my ear.

"You're so fucking sexy..." He whispered "I love seeing you like this."

I was moaning at just his words now.

_How does he have such an effect on me?_

He pushed into me once more, he started thrusting into me even harder and faster than before. He was a chorus of enticing grunts and moans.

"J-Jagiya... you're gonna make me go crazy..."

He continued pounding into me, I could barely see straight. I wasn't gonna be able to hold on much longer. There was only so much of him being this sexy that I could take.

_I just don’t want him to stop again..._

"J-Joon-ah...Can I—Can I please...?" I begged, nearly unable to speak

"Already?" He taunted "I guess I could let you... _Mm_! Gyeseo..."

(Go ahead...)

My climax hit me like a freight train from him making me wait so long. A sense of euphoria washed over me. He kept thrusting, only intensifying the feeling. My legs began to tremble and my mind went blank.

"Mm... I-I'm—" He panted weakly "You feel so fucking good... _Hah_ , I can't..."

"You can't what...?" I teased

"Fuck, t-ttaraoseyo...!”

(I'm cumming...!)

His thrusts became sloppier and I felt him throb deep inside of me as he came.

We collapsed beside each other, breathless and exhausted.

"Namjoon-ah, what... what the hell?"

We both broke out into laughter.

"What?!" He asked "You seem surprised."

"I just—I don't know what I expected, but that was..."

He pulled me close to him.

"What was it?" He asked

"Singihada..."

(Amazing...)

He kissed my forehead.

* * *

Over the next month as we continued to travel, 2 things happened:

1\. It seemed like there was a collective effort from BigHit to protect me, but there also seemed to be an effort to keep me away from Namjoon. Not directly, but... indirectly somehow? I was the stylist for him and Taehyung, so I still spent the majority of my work time with them, but BigHit started to do all this petty little bullshit. They would assign me a seat away from him, or try to distract me with other tasks.

Namjoon and I were trying to enjoy just being together, especially since we were dating now—but neither of us ever talked about it. It was just something we dealt with and kind of ignored. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't taking a toll on me. I could tell it was having an effect on him too...

2\. We continued to fill our travel book together. We had now been to Brazil, London, and Paris on the tour. He showed me all of the things that he said he would, talking about them in great detail. Telling me why he loves the things he does. We were really starting to connect on an even deeper emotional level than we originally had... it was amazing. I was seeing and experiencing things I never thought I would, all with him.


	23. You Don’t Understand

_moonchild_.

* * *

Our next stop on the tour was Osaka, Japan—which I was ridiculously excited about. After we landed, the guys had an interview, so we headed straight to the studio. Afterwards, we went to the hotel and knocked out for a few hours. The never ending jet lag and stupidly busy schedule was rearing its ugly head once again.

By the time I woke up, it was a little after lunch.

I woke up just before Namjoon did. I was laying next to him, mindlessly scrolling through my phone, trying to stop my brain from going to places it shouldn't. I say this because—he had been relatively quiet since the day before the flight.

I didn't know if he was upset or maybe he was just in a quiet mood.

_Maybe I did something?_ _Or maybe I'm overthinking this whole thing._ _Either way it was making me anxious as fuck._

He tends to get quiet and think sometimes, retreating to the dark corners of his mind to ponder different things. He just gets... lost—and I have to pull him back. But this seemed different somehow.

"Mmmnm..." I heard him groan sleepily. He slowly opened his eyes and turned towards me "Jagiya—you’re awake already? Did you get a chance to rest at all?"

He stretched his long legs out.

"Mhm. I just woke up a few minutes ago."

“Ah...”

I hesitated for a moment, still afraid that I was overreacting, but I had to ask.

“Hey... Joon-ah, gwaenchana?"

(Are you okay?)

He didn't say anything at first. He had a look on his face that was hard to read.

"Yeah. Well—I actually don't know..." His voice trailed off

I immediately grew even more concerned than I had been before.

"What is it?" I asked worriedly 

"Its nothing with you, nothing like that. I guess I'm just..." He grew quiet again

"Oppa, I don't wanna press you, but if there's anything I can do to help, you've gotta tell me whats going on."

He sighed.

"I don't wanna make you worry about me."

_Well when you say shit like that, thats exactly what you do..._

"Do you remember what we said to each other on that rooftop in Chicago?" I asked 

He gave a small smile, showcasing his sweet dimples.

"That we'll always be there for each other." He replied

"No matter what." I finished

"Aishhh..." He anxiously ran his fingers through his hair "Like I said I don't want you to have to worry about me, but I do know that I need to get better when it comes to sharing my feelings. So, here goes."

He paused and took a breath. He rolled onto his back and looked up at the ceiling before continuing.

"I guess I'm feeling a little depressed suddenly... I don't know. I get like this sometimes. I just haven't felt it since we started the tour." He explained "I'm sorry, jagiya... I usually spend my time fighting not to feel this way but sometimes it catches up with me."

_God, do I understand that._

His expression was so remorseful, as if he were afraid revealingthat to me that would hurt me. He's such a big teddy bear, he's always there comforting everyone else and never himself.

"Aniya... Its okay, oppa. You don't have to apologize for that. I understand. You know I do."

(No...)

He nodded

Hearing that he was feeling depressed made me feel so fucking helpless. Since I know the feeling all to well, I would make it go away for him if I could.

"Was there anything that triggered it...?" I asked

He sighed once more.

"I think its just touring, being so damn busy. It usually hits me around this point." He admitted "The exhaustion, the nonstop work days..."

I started to feel a little guilty. I mean, I know touring is hard enough as it is without adding a girlfriend to the mix.

"Don't start thinking that way, aegiya." He said

(baby)

"Thinking what wa—wait— _Aegiya_?!" I said in surprise

"You like that?" He laughed "Figured I'd switch it up."

"You're a goof... wait—thinking what way?" I asked

"Thinking you're at all to blame." He said "I know you're thinking that part of this might be your fault."

_How the hell does he do that?_

"If anything, you've made touring a million times easier for me. Having you with me during all of the stressful moments—you've been like my light in the dark."

"Aw... Thank—YA! Hajima!" I playfully hit him in the shoulder "Even when you're hurting, you try to comfort me. This is about you."

(HEY! Stop it!)

He reached his arms out and pulled me close. He cutely buried his face in my curls like he always does.

"Talk to me, Joon-ah."

I rested my head on his strong chest, the sound of his heartbeat and breathing was soothing enough to lull me back to sleep—but I really just wanted to be a sounding board for him.

_I want him to be able to tell me everything._

"I just worry about a lot of things." He began "You know that about me. Especially my position. I don't really see myself as someone who deserves to have this much influence."

"I get that... I don't know if it will mean anything coming from me, but I _know_ you're deserving of it. I think you're right where you're supposed to be in your life."

He kissed the top of my head.

"I always think about people misinterpreting what I do or say, everything we do is so heavily scrutinized. I feel like I'm under a microscope 24/7, 365. And I think, 'what if I manage to fuck this up?" and I fall. What will I do then? Will I go completely insane?" He chuckled dryly "I know these are all things I shouldn't worry myself with because I can't control the future. I can only control what I'm doing in this moment... but the thoughts still come up in my mind."

"You took the words out of my mouth." I said "Again, you know how amazing I think you are, and what do you say to me when I get depressed? I can't seem to remember..."

"I tell you that... everything is gonna work out. And that worrying about the future won't change it."

"Exactly. Whatever you need, just remember I'm here for you, okay?"

"Thank you, jagiya." He said quietly

"Of course... Hey, since we’re talking like this, theres something I wanted to bring up too... is that okay?"

He sighed

"I think I already know what it is."

_He knows I'm talking about the random bullshit BigHit is doing._

"...Well, we haven't really talked about it at all. Its been going on for weeks." I said "I don't know. Its making me really upset. I guess I just wanted to see how you felt."

"I hate it. I don't really know what to say or do... do you?"

"No. Its mostly because theres not really anything we _can_ do about it, but it still sucks. I know BigHit has their reasons... but a lot of the stuff happening lately has just felt kind of petty."

"Don't think that because I didn't bring it up, that it doesn't bug the hell out of me. It does."

I could hear the frustration in his voice.

"They want us to be together, but at the same time... they don't. Its stupid." He griped "I've spoken to Bang-ssi about it. It doesn't matter anyways—I'm not letting anyone put a wedge between us. Do you understand?"

"I know that."

"You're acting a lot like you think I would let something come between us." He snapped

His whole mood shifted in that instant... but I didn't understand why.

"I never said that though—look. I don't want this to be an argument. I just wanted to talk about it so we could both acknowledge it because we haven't been."

"I know that. I just want you to get that I'm doing everything I fucking can to make this work."

_Why is he being so goddamn hostile??_

"What the hell? I don't know why you're being like this all of a sudden. I just wanted to bring something up that had been making me uncomfortable since we were already talking, but you're acting like its an issue."

"Because I don't think you understand what kind of position being with you puts me in."

_What the fuck?_

"Oh, I don't??” I asked angrily, sitting up and turning to look at him “And how many fucking times did I tell you we shouldn't do this? How many times did I say this wasn't a good idea? How many times did I say I didn't want to put you under any more stress?"

"I'm not—thats not what I meant."

"Then what exactly did you mean, RM?" I asked "You know what? I don't care."

" _Ivy_!"

"Don't talk to me right now."

"You know that I didn't mean it like that!" He shouted “You don’t fucking understand.”

”So help me understand then.”

I didn't want to talk anymore. I was afraid I would regret what came out of my mouth next. Hot salty tears threatened to stream down my cheeks. I was just so fucking angry at the situation and at what he said... I didn't know what to do with myself.


End file.
